A very Potter sitcom season 1
by JacobKragoff
Summary: This is my idea for a TV show based on Starkid's amazing musicals "A very Potter musical" and "A very Potter sequel". Watch them on youtube before you read this or you'll be very confused. Season 1 episodes all here weekly! Enjoy and REVIEW!
1. Pilot episode

A VERY POTTER SITCOM

Pilot episode

(A very Potter pilot)

(TV- 14)

Note: This is a Fanfic based on the hilarious parody musicals A very Potter musical/ A very Potter sequel. If you haven't seen them on YouTube yet then see it before you read this. This is my idea for a TV show based on the musicals. Enjoy and review please!

(The invisible live studio audience cheer as the scene starts with Harry sitting at the Dursleys house with a sad face on. The music of "Going back to Hogwarts" starts.)

Harry singing: Underneath the stairs, I here the snares and feel the glairs of my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt. I can't believe how cruel they are, and it stings my lightning scar to know they never, ever give me what I want! And I know I don't deserve these stupid rules made by the Dursleys here on privit drive! I can't take all of these muggles but despite all of my struggles… I'M STILL ALIVE! I'm sick of summer and this waiting around. Man it's September and I'm skipping this town! Hey it's no mystery, there's nothing here for me noooooooow! I've got get back to Hogwarts! I've got to get back to school. I've got to get myself to Hogwarts, where everyone thinks that I'm cool. Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts! Back to goblins and ghosts and it's a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! I'm going back!

(Harry runs out and is now on a set where he is on the street of privit drive. He sits on his suitcase just like the beginning of the first musical.)

Harry still singing: I'll see my friends, we're gonna laugh till we cry! Take my firebolt, gonna take to the sky! Knowing this year, anyone's gonna die! And it's gonna be totally awesome!

(Stands and draws out wand)

Harry singing: I'll cast a spell with a flick of my wand! Defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on! And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cause together we're totally awesome!

(Ron enters out of nowhere and crowd cheers)

Ron singing: And it's gonna be totally awesome! (Spoken) Did someone say Ron Weasly?

Harry spoken: Hey dude. Ready for year three?

Ron spoken: Aw hell ya! Let's get our asses to platform 9 and three quarters.

Harry: Cool, let's use flu powder!

(Green flames are emitted as Harry and Ron spin)

Harry and Ron singing: Flu powder power! Flu powder power! Flu powder power!

Ron: It's been so long-

Both: But we're going back.

Ron: Don't go for work, don't go for a class.

Harry: As long as we're together-

Ron: -gonna kick some ass and it's gonna be totally awesome!

Both: This year we'll take everybody by score, stay up all night, and sneak out of our dorm.

(Hermione steps in)

Hermione: But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our owls-

Harry and Ron: Whoa!

Ron spoken: Come on Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?

Hermione spoken: Because RON, schools not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards.

Hermione singing: I may be frumpy, but I'm super- smart. Check out my grades, they're A's for a start. What I lack in looks, well I make up in heart and my boyfriend Ron thinks that's totally awesome!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: We're sick of summer and this waiting around. It's like we're sitting in the lost and found. Don't take no sorcery, there's nothing here for me now! We gotta get back to Hogwarts. We gotta get back to school! We gotta get back to Hogwarts, where everything is magic cooooooool! Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, back to goblins and ghosts and a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! We're going back!

(We here a train whistling)

Hermione: Come on guys, we'll miss the train if we don't hurry!

All students signing: Who knows how fast this year's gonna go? Hand me a glass and let the butter bear flow.

Ron singing: And third year's gonna be TOTALLY AWESOME!

(Set changes to great hall)

All: We're back to learn everything that we can, it's great to come back to where we began and here we are! And alacazam! Here we go, this is totally awesome! Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, back to goblins and ghosts and a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions, and friends. Back to-

Gryffindor students: GRYFFINDOR!

Hufflepuff students: HUFFLEPUFF!

Ravenclaw students: RAVENCLAW!

Slytherin students: SLYTHERIN!

All: Back to the place where our stories began at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Elderly woman: I'm sorry, what's its name?

All: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Elderly woman: I didn't hear you kids!

All: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Harry: Man, I'm glad I went back!

(End of song)

(CROWD CHEERS AND COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(Scene begins in Great Hall)

(Elderly woman comes out)

McGonagall: Hello students, for those of you who don't remember because you're absolutely suckish at remembering names, I am Professor McGonagall. Now it is time for you all to say hello to your headmaster, Albus Dumbledore!

Harry: Wait, didn't he die last year?

(Dumbledore walks out and crowd cheers)

Dumbledore: I sure did Potter. However, Snape and I discovered a nice little secret magical way of coming back to life. This can be achieved without a horcrux. Isn't that right my very good friend, our very on Potions master, Professor Snape!

(Snape walks out with his usual wide eyed expression with him holding out his cloak like a bat. Crowd begins cheering)

Snape: Harry Potter! Tell me Potter, what would I get if I added asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

(Harry is silent)

Harry: Um… what?

Snape: Let's try again Potter. Where would you tell me to look if I asked you where I could find a… stripper?

Hermione: Professor, isn't that a little offensive to ask a stude-

Harry: A Las Vegas strip club.

Snape: Perfect, 10 points from Gryffindor!

Harry: WHAT? Why?

Snape: Because I'm Severus freaken' Snape Potter!

(Crowd laughs and cheers)

Snape: Now, Professor Dumbledore, I believe you wanted to announce something?

Dumby: I sure do. Kiddies, we once again need a new Defense against the dark arts teacher. So I would like to introduce… Professor Lockhart!

Hermione: Yay!

Ron and Harry: Oh s(bleep)!

(A tall, blonde man played by the actor of both Starkid's version of Luscious and Cedrick comes out with a never ending and annoying grin on his face)

Lockhart: Why hello there! I am Gildaroy freaken' Lockhart!

(Music starts)

Lockhart: And I have some good news for you children!

Lockhart singing: I am the best person that you'll ever meet! It is quite impossible for me to be beat! I know I'm handsome! I'm probably gaaaay! I know that there are people who would think either waaay! But let me tell you! That I'm the one you all probably want to dooooooo! If you do not like me, then that sucks for you! But who doesn't like me? Honestly, who? I am the best person everrrrrrrrr! I am definitely betterrrrrr! I might be full of myself! But I'm as popular as Gollum the house elf! I know that you can't beat me! I know that you all love me! Because I'm the best person everrrrr!

Dumby singing: Yes, you are quite hot!

Lockhart singing: Thanks a lot!

(Song ends)

(Crowd cheers)

Snape: Oh so you're really all that?

Lockhart: Why yes I sure as hell am.

Snape: Hmm. Then tell me, how did you truly get rid of the waga-waga gogo gaga werewolf?

Lockhart: Um… I, uhhh. I have to go! Sorry kiddies! Night, night!

(He runs off the stage and crowd cheers slightly)

Snape: You'll find that happens like every year with our DADA teachers. They just run off.

(He turns to McGonagall)

Snape in under tone: Bet you ten bucks he's out by next year.

(She nods)

Dumby: Now you chilites should call me Dumbledore or Dumby or else!

High pitch voice: And don't get him confused with Rumbleroar!

(Draco Malfoy walks onto stage and crowd goes wild with cheering)

Dumby: That is correct Draco, ya little (bleep)!

(Malfoy sits)

Dumbledore: Now I would also like to introduce a transfer student from America. His name is Jacob Kragoff and he's in Gryffindor!

(Jacob walks onto stage played by Devon Bostick, famous for his role as Rodrick in Diary of a wimpy kid)

Jacob: What's up?

Snape smiling: Oh a lot actually (frowns again) SIT DOWN!  
Dumby: Now hop to bed kiddies! Bye, bye!

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins at DADA class)

Harry: Oh hey Ron.

Ron: Hey, do you want a delicious… Redvine?

(Looks at screen when he says Redvines)

Harry looks at screen: Absolutely!

(Jacob and Hermione come up)

Hermione: Hey Ronnie.

Ron: Um, hey.

Jacob: Oh, Redvines!

(He takes one)

(Bell rings)

Hermione: Oh yes! Time for class with Professor Lockhart.

(The boys grown)

(They walk into a classroom with them, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Cho Chang, Lavender Brown, and an extra girl.

Lockhart: Why hello there kids. It is very good to see you all in class today where I'm sure you're glad to show up.

Ron: We're kind of forced to 'cause we're children.

(Other boys nod)

Lockhart: Well than let's see what you do against freshly caught Cornish Pixies!

Seamus: Bloody bitch!

(Screen goes black)

(Roll credits, end of episode 1 in season 1)


	2. Episode 2

A very Potter sitcom

Episode 2, season 1.

(Harry freaken' Potter!)

(TV- 14)

(Begins with the opening theme of "Going back" at the near end of the song)

All students sing: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, back to goblins and ghosts and a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions, and friends. Back to Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin! Back to the place where our stories begins at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Dumby: I'm sorry, what's its name?

Students: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Dumby: I didn't hear you kids!

Students: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Harry: Man, I'm glad I went back!

(End of theme song)

(During song, we see clips showing the names of the actors in the show.)

(Scene begins at Great Hall in the morning)

(Snape comes into hall and to the teachers table)

Snape: I am so hung over!

Dumby: Aw, Severus! You need to be careful about how much you drink. I hear it's very bad for you do become an alcoholic.

Snape angrily: I am NOT an alcoholic!

(He picks up his glass of orange juice and begins to pour in vodka)

Dumby sarcastically: Oh yeah, you're clean.

(Snape looks up in shock with wide eyes)

Snape: Oh God, I'm becoming just like Lupin!

(He winces)

Snape: Ow! Loud noise bad for hangover.

(Harry enters with his friends)

Harry: Why does school have to start so early?

Hermione: Early to rise get's you a prize!

Ron: Um, Hermione? My saying goes "Later in bed, less pain in your head!"

Jacob: I like that one.

(Ginny enters and crowd cheers as this is the first time she has been shown in the TV show)

Ginny: Hey lover.

Harry: Hey you.

(They begin to snog inappropriately)

(Ron stares wide eyes as his best friend makes out with his sister)

Ron: Wow, this is so weird. My babyish sister who used to play with hand puppets is now a… slut.

(Ginny flairs with anger)

Ginny: Okay, now that I'm dating, doesn't mean you can treat me like a Hogwarts prostitute!

(Jacob suddenly shows interest)

Jacob: Wait, we have those?

(Ginny rolls her eyes and begins to talk with Hermione and Cho)

Dumby: Now if you'll all please listen here! I have a big announcement! We are having a new student here soon and he's supposed to be sexy!

(The hall goes into silence as everyone stares at Dumbledore)

Dumby: What? You all know that I'm gay! So Severus, what's the boy's name again?

(Snape looks at paper)

Snape: I think it says… wow this is bad hand writing. I think it says 'Jerry Snoter'. Or Jerry Hotter or something.

Dumby: Ohhh, I like the sound of that.

McGonagall without taking her eyes of her news paper says in a bored casual tone: No sexual harassment.

Dumby: I know, I know!

Lockhart: So when's he coming?

Snape: Tonight I believe. Now I have to go and vomit. Snape vanish!

(He runs off the set before we hear a loud crash)

Snape: Owie!

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins in Great Hall at dinner)

Dumby: If I can have your attention kids, the new student has arrived. He is right over there!

(Everyone looks to stage left and see's Daniel Radcliffe walk into the hall. As he enters, the studio audience screams with delight at the sight of the Harry Potter actor from the official movies)

Daniel: Hey there. I'm Harry Potter.

(Students and teachers all gasp)

Harry: No, no. I'm Harry Potter. I should know.

Daniel: Wait, what? Who the hell are you?

(Harry is silent for a few seconds at the stupid question)

Harry slowly: I'm Harry Potter.

Daniel: No, Harry Potter is supposed to be British and last time I checked, I'm British!

Harry: What makes you think that you're Harry?

(They begin to argue before Rita Skeeta walks onto the stage and the crowd begins to cheer)

Students: Rita Skeeta! YAY!

Rita: Why dear readers, this is Rita Skeeta reporting to you live from Hogwarts school of witchcraft, bitchcraft, and magic (bleep). I have just happened upon the HP we know and a new student at Hogwarts who claims to be Harry Potter as well. However I do have a plan to discover who the real Harry Potter is.

(The fast excited theme of the song "Skeeta's got a plan" starts)

Rita singing: I may be annoying, but I know all of me freaken' stuff. So if you don't give me what I want then I'll be ready to huff! I have a plan to find which man is Harry freaken Potter! I can determine it by who is much, much hotter! So let me take them into a room, just me and them! I'll strip them down and then I'll say-

Harry singing: Ahem. Did you just say to strip us down our cloths? That's weirder than watching the dancer of my foes!

Daniel singing: I'll do it! I really do not mind. I once went on stage and you will find that I was up there nude! So-

Harry singing: Just listen dude! I'm sure that I'm Potter!

Daniel singing: Ah! But I'm hotter!

Rita: Just let me be the judge of that! I'm not some weirdo, freaken bat! I'll get us the answer soon! Even if I'm slightly a lone! I'll help find the man, 'cause Rita Skeeta's got a plan!

(Short dance part where all of the students dance to the theme)

All: Rita Skeeta's got a plan!

(Song ends)

(Scene changes to a small room where we see both Harry and Daniel behind a balance poll, each of them naked, with the poll covering their privet parts. Harry looks abashed but Dan looks fine)

(Rita comes out)

Rita: Well hello there boys. I like what I see, you know.

Dan: Thank you.

Harry: I feel violated.

Rita: Okay, let's get this done quickly.

(She unrolls a tape measurer)

Harry: Um, what are you going to do?

(Rita smiles)

(Scene changes back to Great Hall)

(Rita walks out to the Hall with Harry and Dan behind, once again dressed)

Rita: I have completed my experiment. The winner of who Harry Potter is…. YOU!

(She points at Dan who smiles as students and teachers all cheer)

Harry: What? No, guys! I'm HP! I'm the one you guys all love, remember?

Ron: Well, there's the new guy now.

Hermione: Yeah. I'm really sorry Har… um… fella.

Harry: Wait, fella? But guys, I'm Harry freaken' Potter! I'm the coolest kid there is!

Jacob: Not anymore dude. Sorry.

(Sad theme of "It's over now" plays and lights go dark to only show Harry)

Harry: Home. I've heard the word before; it didn't mean much more than a place I never haaaad! I was happy, but now I'm dank and saaaad! It looks like it's done, I'm gone! I've been hung out to dry! Maybe it would be better if I would curl up and die. There's nothing here for me now. And just, I'd like to say… wow. It's been a great time, but now it's done. The whole world was mine; I had a lot and a lot of fun. But it's time to face the facts, pack my packs, loose all I loved so much. I was part of a really funny bunch! But God forbiiiiiiid, I'd be leaven Starkiiiiiid! I'm trying not to cry. Perhaps I should curl up and diiiiiiie! It seems it's over nooooooooooooooow!

(Song ends and commercial break)

Advertisement:

A very Potter sitcom is brought to you and part by

Redvines!

(Scene begins at Gryffindor common room)

Ron: So uh… Harry. Do you want a-

(Looks at screen)

Ron: Redvine?

(Dan looks at screen as well)

Dan: Absolutely… NOT! I prefer-

(Looks at screen)

Dan: Twizzlers.

(Ron get's very mad)

Ron: Twizzlers? You like those dry, stupid, rip offs!

Dan smiling: Yep.

(Ron growls and storms upstairs to his dorm)

(Ginny comes out and sits next Dan)

Ginny: Hey lover.

Dan: Who are you?

Ginny: You're girlfriend.

(Dan laughs)  
Dan: Are you kidding? I would never date someone who looks like a Barbie doll. That bad hair, weird rosy cheeks, fat gut.

(Tears well up in Ginny's eyes)

Ginny: Well, goodbye then… Harry Potter.

(She gets's up and begins to cry as she runs off)

(Malfoy comes in)

Malfoy: Weird. Who knew the password to the Gryffindor common room was just "Redvines beast's Twizzlers"?

(Studio audience cheers at Redvines joke)

Malfoy: So, you must be the new Harry Potter. You're the famous bastard. My name is Draco-

Dan in a bored tone: You're Draco Malfoy; you're a racist, you despise gingers and mudbloods, you hate Gryffindor house, and your parents work for the man who killed my mum and dad.

Malfoy: Um… yeah. Will you be my-

Dan: No.

(Malfoy looks disappointed)

Malfoy: The last Potter had funnier reactions. And he was beginning to be my friend.

Dan: Yep, well I'm the real Harry Potter and this is how I act.

(Malfoy slowly and sadly begins to walk out of the room)

Malfoy: This place has really gone to the dogs.

(He falls on ground and slowly rolls out of the room)

(Jacob, Hermione, and Cho walk in)

Cho angrily: Hey! You may be hot but you are a wiener jacket!

Hermione: Yeah! You made Ginny cry, you made Malfoy cry, and you made Ron cry!

Dan: Ron's crying?

Ron's voice from upstairs: What's with Twizzlers? They make no sense! Waaaaa!

Jacob: I want you out of Hogwarts and we want Harry back!

Dan: No! Besides, who's gonna make me leave? Seriously, who?

McGonagall's voice from off stage: ME!

(She walks on with her wand out)

McGonagall: I've always wanted to do this to someone! JELLY LEGS JINX!

(Dan falls with his legs in the air as the audience cheers)

(Goyle and Dumby come in)

Dumby: Grab the sexy boy!

Goyle: YES SIR!

(Both he and Dumbledore pick up and Dan and carry him to a window)

Dan: Wait, no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(They throw him at the window, which smashes as Dan falls out and everyone cheers)

Hermione: Do you think he's alright?

(We hear a loud thump)

Dumby: Nope.

(Ron and Ginny come running down the stairs)

Ron: Is he gone?

Ginny: Is he?

All besides Ron and Ginny: YEP!

Cho: Well chocolate frogs, we killed the other Harry Potter yall!

(Malfoy runs in)

Malfoy: Lads, look who I found!

(Harry walks in and everyone cheers)

Ron: Harry, we're sorry we threw you out.

Jacob: But you're back!

Harry smiling: I love you guys!

(The trio of Harry, Ron, and Hermione all hug as Malfoy tries to join in but is pushed out by Ron)

Harry: So, looks like everything's back to normal.

Ron: Yep.

(Song Harry freaken' Potter begins, however with some changes in the lyrics)

Ron: You're freaken Potter! We now understand you're a legion man to us all. Every son and daughter-

All: SAFE!  
Hermione: From you know who. You were small, but I wonder if you can recaaaaaaall!

Jacob: Long story short, this guy (whispers) Voldemort, was super cruel!

Ron: He tried to kill you and you're parents, and this is where it gets intense. Pretty cool!

Ron, Hermione, and Jacob: Even though you were a tiny little boy, you should have died but you survived and then destroyed this evil guy and it's a story we enjoy in town!

All: You're Harry freaken' Potter. We don't prefer the last guy that was here, you are much more of a dear!

(Short dance part, like in the musical AVP sequel)

Harry: I knew that soon I'd be back, I felt at last something I can do so it's time we all knew exactly who I aaaaam! I'm Harry freaken' Potter!

All: You're Harry freaken' Potter! You're Harry freaken Potter!

Harry: I'm the maaaaaaan!

All: Harry freaken' Potter!

(Song ends)

(Commercial break. We return to the scene where it takes place in the Great Hall in the morning)

(Snape walks in)

Dumby: Oh Severus, you're not drunk are you?

Snape: Oh, of course not! I just have a hangover that's all.

(Dumbledore rolls his eyes)

(Rita runs in with an angry face)

Rita: You didn't listen to me! I specifically told you who the real Harry was and you threw out the one I gave you! Why?

Dumby with a sad face: Because he was a meanie.

Rita: Well you probably think I'm the bad guy in this all don't you?  
Harry: Well you and fake Harry.

Rita: Fake Harry? Are you saying I was wrong?  
Hermione: Well, you always misquote people and get your facts wrong in your articles.

(Rita growls)  
Rita: You shouldn't have just said that mudblood. You have just made an enemy of the most powerful reporter…ever. I will get you back!

Ron and Malfoy trying to impress Hermione: You'll have to go threw me!

(They run up, knock into each other, and fall onto the ground)

(Rita raises and eyebrow)

Rita: I'll be back! I am Rita freaken' Skeeta!

Rita actress from the fourth Harry Potter movie: No, I am!

(She runs on and audience laughs)

Starkid Rita: Well, bye! Rita Skeeta out people!

(She runs off and is chased by other Rita)

(Roll and credits)


	3. Episode 3

A very Potter Sitcom

Episode 3, Season 1

(A very little brother)

(TV- 14)

(Opening theme song)

(Scene begins at Hogwarts in the Slytherin common room)

Malfoy: So Goyle, who do you think is the prettiest girl in school?

(Goyle thinks)

Goyle: Oh, Cho Chang. She's super- Megan- Foxy- awesome hot! She must be with me… because Goyle rules!

Malfoy: How about you Crab?

Crab: Lavender Brown.

Malfoy: Yeah, you know what is with that girl's name? Both her first and last names are colors. Whatever, so how about you Theodore?

(Theodore Knot looks at Malfoy)

Theodore: Draco, I'm gay.

(Malfoy raises and eyebrow)

Malfoy: Okay, w- who's the prettiest…. guy in school then?

Theodore: You.

(Malfoy smiles)

Malfoy: Oh thank you, that's very creepy.

(He looks outward as he does in most of his monologues)

Malfoy: I think that the hottest girl is…

(The song "Granger Danger" begins and audience cheers)

Malfoy singing: What? What the hell is this? You expect me to sing about a girl I cannot geeeeeeet? But don't any of you lads freeeeet! Because this means… Daaaaaangeeer! I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love… with Hermione Grangeeeeer! Don't know why I feel so queasy, but soon I wish she didn't love that Weasly. Oh come on! Draco, you gotta let it gooooooo! You gotta let it goooooooaaaaah!

(Grabs crotch area)

Malfoy: What? What the hell is this? A boner! Oh Draco, wake up! I've been mistaken. She is the hottest girl I've ever seen! Noooow, because she's like a girl I've never seen, don't know why I'd ever be so meeeeaan? This could mean… dangeeeeeeerr! I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in looooove! With Hermione Grangeeeer! With Hermione Grangeeeeer! With Hermione Grangeeeeer! Dangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr!

(Song ends and commercial break)

Advertisement: Don't forget to buy the sound track of your favorites by Starkid. Get

"A very Starkid Album" on iTunes or get the CD's of the music from "A very Potter Musical", "Me and My Dick", and "A very Potter Sequel". And now, back to "A very Potter Sitcom".

(Scene begins in the Gryffindor Common room)

(Jacob walks out without his shirt on, with his arm around a beautiful girl)

Jacob in a dizzy voice: I had fun last night! Weeeeeee! Ha ha!

(Snape comes in)

Snape: Alright students of Gryffindor, you have another new student!

Ron: Oh God, please don't be a copy of me.

Snape: No, it's a first year who was delayed for a few weeks in coming here. Please welcome…

(He points at Jacob Kragoff)

Snape dramatically: His little brother!

Jacob: Oh s(bleep).

Snape: Welcome … Chad Kragoff!

(Chad walks out, played by Zachary Gordon who is famous for his role as Greg in Diary of a wimpy kid the movie)

(Crowd cheers and he smiles at the older students then falters and looks at his older brother in fear)

Chad: Oh, h- hey Jacob.

(Snape looks between them)

Snape: I suspect there will be some bullying here soon so as a teacher… I'll just screw it and leave you to it!

(He runs out as Jacob walks up to Chad who is much smaller than Jacob)

Jacob: Perfect. Now I have more time to beat you up. Good old little bro torturing right?

(Chad looks afraid as Jacob and the other Gryffindor boys such as Seamus, Neville, Dean, Harry, and Ron crowd around him)

Ron: Alright kid, we're gonna see if you're really Gryffindor material or if you really belong in Hufflepuff. So here is your first test.

(Jacob puts Chad in a headlock for no apparent reason as Ron questions him)

Ron: Favorite Amy Man song?

Chad: Redvines.

Harry: Favorite Disney actor?

Chad: Zach Efron, aka Zefron!

(Ron puts his fingers together in an evil motion)

Ron darkly: Yes, good.

Seamus: Al righ'. What book series did Twilight rip off?

Chad: The Vampire Diaries.

Dean: Yep, even though Twilight made its movies before Vampire Diaries made the show, the Vamp Diaries books still came first. Now last question-

Neville: W- wait. I thought I got to answer a ques-

Jacob: Shut up Shlongbottom!

Neville cowering: Ah! I'm scared!

Dean: Who is the best quidditch player who was actually a muggle who used to play basket ball?

Chad: Michel Jordon.

Ron: Wait! One more question. What beats the crap out of Twizzlers?

Chad smiling and looking at the camera with a pack of Redvines: Why, it's REDVINES!

(Crowd cheers)

Ron: Oh my God, I love this kid!

(They all hug him, causing him to loose some air)

Harry: And we still get to take our anger out on him and play jokes on him because he's the little kid right?

Jacob (still clutching his brother's neck): Of course!

Chad looking frightened: What! No, wait please.

(They all laugh and pick the boy up)

Ron: We have a little dare for you new kid.

Chad: Aw, crap.

(They take him off the set)

(Scene begins at Defense against the dark arts class with Professor Lockhart speaking)

Lockhart: And that is how I defeated the waga waga gogo gaga werewolf.

(Hermione looks amazed)

Dean: You bitch slapped him across the face and then spit in his eye?

Lockhart: I know. Brilliant right?

Hermione: Brilliant!

Lockhart: I know.

(Suddenly, Chad comes running in with Jacob chasing after him)

Chad scared: Help! I'm sorry Jacob, please don't kill me!

Jacob: You are so freaken dead!

(He grabs Chad and begins to punch him)

Lockhart smiling widely: Stop. You are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him.

(He repeats this without stopping as Harry and Ron pull Jacob off his brother)

Harry: Okay, calm down Jacob. Now just tell us what happened.

Jacob: Well I was sleeping in because I didn't feel well.

Lockhart: Stop, you are hurting him.

Jacob: Then he comes in and hits me on the stomach to wake me up and it hurts. So I decided to talk to him in a civilized manner.

Hermione: And you ended up chasing him all the way from the common room to the third floor and in here?

Jacob: Duh.

Lockhart: Stop, you are hurting him.

Chad: You do it to me all the time! I'm small so I can't defend myself and the ONE time I hit you, I have to die? You suck!

(He begins to cry and runs out of the room, leaving a shocked silence except for Lockhart)

Lockhart: Stop, you are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him.

Ron, eating a Redvine: Class dismissed.

(They all get up to leave as Lockhart keeps talking)

(Class empties)

Lockhart: Stop, you are hurting him.

(Scene change)

(Scene begins in the quidditch locker rooms)

(Harry and Jacob walk out with towels around their waists)

Jacob: You know, I wish that little snot would just learn about the older brother privilege.

Harry: The what?

Jacob: Oh yeah, I forgot, you're an only child. Well you see the older brother privilege is basically a set of rules. Never go in the older bro's room, never hit him back, do what he tells you, don't complain about him, do NOT embarrass him, and don't crack jokes against him. Chad has done all of these things, so he must be dealt with.

Harry: Well look man; he is just a little defenseless kid. Maybe you and him can find some way to bond.

Jacob: Really? Hey Ron!

Ron not looking up: What?

Jacob: How many older brothers do you have?

Ron: Too many.

Jacob: Is there a way to bond with them?

Ron: No.

Jacob looking back at Harry: My point exactly.

(He begins walking away before Harry speaks up)

Harry: Do you know what I want most in the world?

Jacob: What?

Harry: A brother, older or younger. Someone to look up to or to teach. I don't have anyone because of Voldemort. You and Ron are really lucky.

Ron not looking up: No I'm not.

Harry: You're really lucky Jacob. You have a little brother. I have no one.

(The song "To have a brother" begins with its slow, saddened theme)

Harry singing: I've been alone for so damn loooooooooooong! But you have someone to tell that it's alright, we won't fight, well at least something along those lines. To share some thoughts, lots ands lots, with two different minds. I wish I had your life. Something good, better than a wife. You should treat him with loooooooooooove! Like he was a gift from aboooooooooove! I wonder what it's like to have a brother. I didn't even have a mother. I had no one to love and bother. Oh! To have a brother. I want a brother! Brotherhood, sisterhood, things as good as thaaaat! Instead of dark magic, no logic, not even a Snape like baaaaat! OOOOOOOOHHHHH! To have a ! I didn't even have a mother. No one to love or bother. Oh, to have a brother.

(Commercial break)

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(Scene begins in the Potions class with most of the students gone except for Jacob)

Jacob to Snape: Um, Professor?

Snape: You are testing my patents! Get out now!

(Jacob stairs at him wide eyed)

Snape: Oh God, I'm sorry; I don't know where the hell that came from.

(Crowd laughs at parody on Snape in Harry Potter video games)

Snape: What's on your mind?

Jacob: It's about-

Snape: Puberty? Can't help you.

Jacob: No. It's about-

Snape: Something school related that teachers need to help you with? Can't help you.

Jacob: It's about my little brother.

Snape: Oh! So HE'S going through puberty. Can't help you.

Jacob: No! It's just that he and I have been fighting and he's a good kid. I don't know what to do.

Snape: Well, maybe you could pick on him in more of a fun brotherly way instead of a mean older brotherly way. He is a good student and I think he's probably not that bad a brother. So you owe it to him to make his life better.

Jacob: Thanks Snape, you know you're a really great guy-

Snape: Now get out of here at once and go do your homework! 20 house points from Gryffindor!

(He runs out)

Jacob: Geez, what… a… dick. Butt trumpet.

(He walks out)

(Scene change)

(Scene begins in Gryffindor common room with Chad sitting on an arm chair alone)

(Jacob walks in)

Jacob: Hey you.

(Chad looks up)

Chad angrily: What do you want?

Jacob: Look, I'm sorry. If I wasn't mean to you then you wouldn't be such a bad little brother.

(Chad raises an eyebrow)

Jacob: Fine, fine. I'm the bad guy, but I'd like to be more of a better person…. um... brother to you.

(He sits in the chair and puts his arm around him)

(Chad smiles)

Chad: You do know I look up to you. You're popular; you have "fun" with the ladies.

Jacob: I swear I never touched her boobs!

Chad: I meant kissing.

Jacob: Oh! Well, then you don't know me all that well.

Chad: So are we like… friends now?

Jacob: Nope. We're brothers.

(They fist bump)

(They then get up and hug)

(We see Malfoy in a corner wiping his eyes)

Malfoy: Aw, how cute.

Jacob: OUT!

Malfoy: Ahh!

(He runs out)

(Scene change)

(Scene changes to Great Hall at dinner)

(Malfoy walks up to Hermione)

Malfoy: Hey, I'm sorry I've been a little depressing lately but I have a proposition for you.

Hermione: Okay and that is?

Malfoy: You ditch the Weasel king and try dating… me!

(Hermione looks offended)

Hermione: How dare you call Ron, my boyfriend, the Weasel King! You are such an ass****!

Malfoy: But so charming?

Hermione: No! You're just a weird little guy. I don't care if you went back in time and saved me from death, you suck!

Ron: Malfoy! You called me the Weasel King?

Malfoy: Yep, Weasel King, I did!

Ron: Come say it to my face!

Malfoy: Alright, I will.

(He drops to the ground and begins to roll across the floor to where Ron and the other Gryffindors and Ravenclaws are)

(Malfoy stands up)

Malfoy: You are the Wea-

(Ron smacks him across the face)

Malfoy: Ah!

(He puts his hand to his nose and withdraws it)

Malfoy after examining hand: I'm bleeding!

(Audience cheers at old Malfoy joke)

Malfoy: You will ALL pay for this! Mark my words!

(Small tune begins as screen begins to black)  
Malfoy singing: When I get my reve- oh wait! Hey!

(Blackout)

(Commercial break)

Advertisement: Coming soon to theaters;

THE WORLD WIDE FINALE OF ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL MOVIE SAGA'S IN THE WORLD.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS- PART 1 November 2010

PART 2 July 2011

(Scene begins in Dumbledore's office)

(Sorty and Scarfy are making out as Dumbledore comes in)

Dumby: Hey, calm down you two love birds.

Scarfy: Oh Dumbledear!

Dumby: And now for reading.

(He picks up a Twilight book)

Dumby in annoyed voice: Oh God, this IS a crap rip off of Vampire Diaries!

Snake voice in wall: Rip!

(Audience gasps)

Snake voice: Tear! Kill! Kill! Kill!

(Voice moves away)

Dumbledore looks at audience: Hey don't look at me, I can't hear it!

(Quick scene change to Harry, Ron, and Hermione running into the hall)

Hermione: Harry! We told you, we didn't hear any voice!

Ron: Yeah, and we're not deaf.

Harry: But guys, I heard it! It's going to kill somebody!

Hermione: Oh my God Harry! Look on the wall!

(Harry looks at wall)

(In blood red letters, it says "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened, enemies of the air beware")

TO BE CONTINUED

(Roll and credits)


	4. Episode 4

A very Potter Sitcom

Episode 4, season 1

(Mudbloods, murmurs, and Moaning Myrtle)

(TV- PG)

Jacob's voice: Previously on "A very Potter Sitcom".

(Flashbacks)

Snape: Welcome… your brother!

(Dramatically points at Jacob)

(Chad yelling at Jacob about how he is a horrible older brother and then a short clip of where they make up)

(Scene changes to Dumbledore's office) 

Evil voice: Rip! Tear! Kill! Kill! Kill!

(Scene changes to Harry, Ron, and Hermione running)

Hermione: Oh my God Harry. Look!

(We see the wall. It says "The chamber of secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware)

(Quick theme song)

(Scene begins on second floor common room)

Harry: The chamber of secrets? What the hell is the chamber of secrets?

Hermione: I don't know!

Ron: Sure, NOW you don't know something!

(We here many people talking as they walk near the hall)

Ron: Oh my God, a stuffed cat.

(We see Mrs. Norris on the wall petrified)  
Ron: Let's get out of here.

Harry: Shouldn't we try and help?

Ron: Nope. Let's go-

(Students come in)

Ron: Aw, s(bleep).  
(Students gasp)

Student #1: Oh my God!

Cho: Oh my!

Neville: Jesus!

Ginny pointing sadly: Kitty.

(We here Filch's voice)  
Filch: What's going on here? What the hell's going ON!

(The actor of Sirius from A very Potter Sequel walks in and crowd cheers)

Filch in normal voice: Ok, why is my cat nailed to the wall?

Harry: Oh it's not that. She's just dead and stuffed.

(Filch stairs at him)

Filch: You little son of a-

(He runs at Harry but is stopped by Ron, Dean, and Jacob)

Dean, as everyone is yelling in panic: Keep the peace! KEEP the peace! Oh lord my God, kill this mighty big dickwad!

(Dumbledore runs in with Snape, McGonagall, and Lockhart)

Dumby: What's going on here?

Filch: He murdered my kitty cat!

Ginny pointing: Kitty.

Snape: Oh relax man!

(Dumbledore rolls his eyes and takes the vodka bottle out of Snape's hand)

Snape, staring at hand: My vodka.

Dumby: Filch, you sir are an idiot. Last time the chamber of secrets was opened, people were petrified, not killed.

(He takes a swig from the bottle)

Lockhart: It was most certainly the Avada Kadavra curse that killed her. So unlucky I wasn't there to he-

Dumby: I said petrified dumbass.

Lockhart: I knew it! I knew it all along!

Dumby: Filch, you were there. We know that the monster inside the chamber was a deadly monster that had the power to petrify people. Muggle born's actually.

Malfoy: Mudbloods? You'll be next… other mudbloods.

(He gets on the ground and rolls around talking)

Malfoy: How do I know this? Because I'M awesome!

Dumby: Draco? Shut…up.

Snape: And Potter couldn't have committed the crime. I saw him at dinner. Now we all must not dwell on this, for it might be Peeves playing jokes.

Filch angrily: It's a pretty sick joke!

Malfoy, still on floor: Really? I find it quite funny.

Filch: Die Malfoy! DIE!

(He is held back by McGonagall and Snape)

Lockhart: Don't stop. He is trying to hurt him. Don't stop. He is trying to hurt him. Don't stop, he is trying to hur-

Dumby: Hush little dumb blonde, hush.

(He turns to students)  
Dumby: Now, relax kiddies. We'll be able to cure Norris-

Ginny, still pointing: Kitty.

Dumby: Yes. Now I am going to go make out with my poster of Head Master Zefron. Bye- bye!

(He walks out)

.

(Scene changes in dark hall with a spotlight on Snape)

Snape: Attention all Hogwartian children. We shall be starting a dueling club quite soon, so if you wish to learn how to defend yourselves with magic like you do in DADA class (but not with Lockhart teaching) then sign up! Now… Snape vanish.

(He walks off)

(Scene changes in Gryffindor common room with Harry kissing Ginny on couch)

(Hermione and Ron come)

Hermione: Hey Harry?

Harry: Huh? Yeah, what?

Hermione: Have you been thinking about that night at all? Like how there was water all over the floor?

(Harry thinks)

Harry: No, I haven't really given it much thought.

Hermione: Well I think I know where it came from.

(Harry turns back to Hermione with his glasses fogged from kissing Ginny)

Harry: Okay then, let's go.

Ginny: Bye.

Harry and Ron: See ya!

(They all run out)

(Ginny sighs happily)

Ginny singing without music: Haaaaaaaryyyyyy. Haaaaaaaryyyyyy. I'm glad you see what you're doing to me.

(Scene change)

(Scene begins on second floor corridor)

Ron in a grumpy voice: Man, Wizards of Waverly place is on. Why the hell are we always doing something during Wizards of Waverly place? I mean seriously, I can't-

Harry: Here Ron. Ron? Snack.

(He hands him a pack of Redvines)

Ron slowly: Oh… my…God. (Changes to sing song voice) Thank you!

(Hermione rolls her eyes)

Hermione: Okay, guys. Now I remember there was water all over the floor when Mrs. Norris the kitty cat was attacked. So all we need to do is find where it came from. But there aren't any faucets in the hall way.

Harry: Um Hermione? I don't wanna be the one to point out the stupidity of a smart person, but-  
(He points)

Harry: There's a bathroom right over there.

(Hermione looks in the direction of his pointing)

Hermione: Right. How did I miss that?

(There is a cartoon swirling image with the trio's faces in it like in the super hero cartoons. Ron's head yells as he falls out of the image)

(Scene changes to the girl's bathroom)

Ron: Well… I don't see any urinals. I think we might be in a girl's pisser room.

Hermione: Yeah, but there won't be anyone in here. This is Moaning Myrtle's place.

Harry and Ron: Who?

Hermione scoffs and speaks: Honestly, don't you two ever read? She's mentioned in "Top Ten most annoying kids at Hogwarts".

(The upbeat, slightly annoying, theme of "Moaning Myrtle begins)

(Moaning Myrtle comes out, very pale and played by the actress of Lily Potter from A very Potter Sequel)

Myrtle singing: Do you think I don't know what people call me behind my back? They always commit on how looks are the things that I lack! They never get it any trouble or have to take the rap. I'm the one who's stuck here, who has to take this crap! I'm just a… miserable, very dismal, ugly, frumpy, lowing, moaning MYRTLE! I am a moaning Myrtle. People come and laugh at my death! I am a moaning Myrtle. I have no longer any breath. I am a sad little pathetic, pimply thing! Rudeness is all anyone wants to ever bring! I hate my life. I could never be a wife, even if I was alive! They would rather throw me on a bee hive! I am a moaning Myrtle. I am nothing more than just a little Myrtle. So, if you have anything to say, say it to my face! Now get out of my way! I want to get a life, and be a wife. Because I… AM… A… MOANING… MYRTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEE!

(Song ends)

Hermione: Hi Myrtle. We're just here to ask some questions-

Myrtle: What? You probably want to ask why I'm so ugly don't you!

Ron: No, we wanted to ask if you saw anything but you're more than welcome to answer that question for us.

Hermione: Ron! (Looks at Myrtle) Now Myrtle, he was just kidding. I'm pretty frumpy too but I have a boyfriend and-

Myrtle: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(She runs offstage screaming)  
Hermione: Ow, right in the ear. Honestly, that was almost cheerful for Myrt-

Myrtle offstage: !... AAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Harry: Okay so-

Myrtle: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Ron: Let's just go. Let's just g-

Myrtle: !

(Hermione scoffs. They all exit)

(Commercial break)

Advertisement: If you enjoy "A very Potter Sitcom" then log on to our website at "www. ". Here you will find the web show "Potion's Master's Corner" by the actor of Snape him self from "A very Potter Sitcom". Now, back to the show

(Scene begins in Dumbledore's office with Snape and McGonagall)

(We see Dumbledore making out with the portrait of Zefron)

Snape with wide eyes: Um… headmaster?

(Dumbledore looks up with fogged glasses)  
Dumby: Yeah? Aw, crap.

(He throws off glasses)

Dumby: What can I do for ya?

McGonagall: Professor? Now, you know we love you-

Dumby solemnly: You're getting rid of my because of what I did to the cute foreign exchange boy.

(Snape and McGonagall stare at him wide eyed)  
McGonagall: No, this is about the chamber of secrets. Wh- what did you do to the foreign kid?

Dumby stars and speaks: Um… Severus, how was your day?  
Snape still wide eyed: Normal up to now.

McGonagall: Okay, so now I have to deal with this chamber of secret crap. So tell me- who was it last time? I was never told even after I was unpetrified.

Snape: You were petrified?

McGonagall: Shh.

Dumby: Okay. It was- oh hold on.

(He looks at audience and screen)  
Dumby: If you have not read or seen the film of Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets, then shut your eyes and ears 'cause we spoil a bit here. Just don't turn us off because we need our ratings. Now Professors, it was... Hagrid! Well that's what all the stupid shallow people thought. I was sure of it actually being Tom Riddle.

Snape: Why him?

Dumby: Because he's Tom freaken' Voldemort that's why!

(Scene changes to Gryffindor tower)

(Harry is sitting with Chad)

Harry: So, you're not scared are you?

Chad: I think it's all a big ploy of Peeves.

Harry: Hm. I wouldn't put it past him. So how's Hogwarts for ya?

Chad: Pretty good.

(Jacob runs in)

Jacob: Hey! Look what I found! It's a flyer from downstairs.

(Gryffindors all crowd around)  
Seamus: What is it?

Jacob: It's a notice saying that they're starting a dueling club.

Dean: Bloody bitch!

(He looks at Seamus who shakes his head)

Seamus: Don't try, that's my thing.

Ron: Well, I'll join.

Harry: Same here. I already killed Voldemort, might as well see how to do spells instead of guessing like I usually do.

Hermione: I hope Lockhart teaches it!

(All boys make revolted sounds)

Ron: He's a brainless git.

Hermione: He is not a brainless git!

Ron: Just because he said you were the best in our year-

(Hermione runs quite close to Ron in shock)  
Hermione quickly: He said that? Tell me when said that. Tell me NOW!

(Ron steps back)  
Ron: Oh crap!

Harry: Well, I'm signing up. Who else is?  
(Everyone says "me" and crowd around the sign up sheet)

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins in Great Hall)

(They are all crowded around small, dueling stage. Lockhart comes in with Snape and the fast, excited theme of "Dueling club" begins)

Lockhart singing: Welcome all of you today! Time to make the evil pay! I shall train you to be fast. Better than the last! You of course will not be, quite as good as me.

Snape singing: Don't listen to that great big fraud. When he talks I think "Oh my God"! I will teach you to be better than him! If you're not so damn dim! I shall teach you how to duel! It's all about power and ridicule! You better not be a nub, if you wanna last in dueling club!

Students singing and dancing: We shall learn how to duel! If I am not a fool! Trust me, I am not a nub. I will last in dueling club! I will last in dueling club! I will last in dueling club!

(Song ends)

Snape: Wow, that was a short song!

Lockhart: Now let's have a pair. Potter, Weasly. How 'bout you?

Snape: Weasly's wand causes devastation to the simplest spells.

(Ron gasps in a gay way)

Ron: How dare you?

Snape: We'll be sending Potter to the Hospital wing in a match box.

Ron: Aha! I can do magic. I learned how to turn people into matches.

(Snape rolls his eyes)

Snape: I think he should be partnered up with Malfoy.

(Looks back)  
Snape: Draco!

Malfoy's voice: Coming!

(He rolls onto stage as usual and stands to greet Harry with his wand)

Malfoy: I have come to kill you.

Lockhart: Actually it's disarm only, but be creative you know. (Laughs annoyingly as Snape rolls his eyes)

Lockhart: On the count of three. One-

(He stands in the same position for the rest of the events that take place)

Malfoy: Serpentsourisia!

(A snake appears out of the wand and lands on the ground)

(It makes a sudden movement toward Justin Finch Fletchly, played by Nick Lang)

Harry: Leave him alone!

Lockhart without noticing the events: Two-

(The snake stops)

Snape: Ew! Snake! Kill it! I got killed with that spell once! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!

(Ron yells and runs up with Neville and begins bashing Neville onto the snake until both Neville and the snake aren't moving)

Ron in sing song voice: I got it!

Snape: Yay! Now Potter, what the hell did you just do?

Harry: I- d- don't know what you mean.

Justin: Parstlemouth!

(Everyone yells and runs off except for Ron, Hermione, and Lockhart)

Ron: You can talk to snakes. Why didn't you tell us?

Harry: I can what?

Hermione: Oh, come here Harry.

(She pulls him and Ron off set)

Lockhart: Three. GO!

(He looks around)

Lockhart: I didn't mean 'go' as in leave. Okay, bye- bye!

(He walks offstage)

(Dumbledore walks in)

Dumby: Hey, where is everybody? Aw well, I wanted to see two shirtless boys fighting, but its back to the drawing board for me!

(Roll and credits)


	5. Episode 5

A very Potter Sitcom

Episode 5, season 1

(Parstletoung)

(TV- 14)

(Flashback of Harry speaking to snake at dueling club)

(Theme song)

(Scene begins in Gryffindor common room with only Harry, Ron, and Hermione)

Ron: You're a freaken' Parstlemouth! Why didn't you tell us?

Harry: Uh… what's a… what's a Parstlemouth?  
Ron: Oh it doesn't matter now Harry.

(Short silence)

Hermione: Ron, it matters now more than ever.

Ron: Oh.

Hermione: Harry, a Parstlemouth is someone who can speak Parstletoung.

(Harry stairs)

Harry: Um, I don't know what the hell Parstletoung is so that doesn't shed anymore light on the subject at all.

Ron: It's snake language.

Hermione: Harry, have you ever spoken to a snake before?

Harry quickly: Well I was having a political discussion with a very kindly snake gentleman at a dinner party where we discussed the matters of the possibilities of a third muggle world war, how the American President Obama would react, the possible action that would be of our Prime Minister, and the most likely outcome for the United Kingdom.

Ron: Okay….. what?

Hermione: Harry, this means that you're a Parstlemouth.

Harry: I know that, you've mentioned. Uh, so what's so bad about that?

Hermione: Harry it's a dark art! It was practiced by Salazar Slytherin and…. Voldemort.

(Silence)

Hermione: Oh, and the villain from Lord of the Rings, but that's beside the point.

Harry: But I can't be.

Ron: Harry, Slytherin lived like…a bigillian years ago.

Hermione: Yeah, for all we know… you could be his descendent.

(Scene changes to Dumbledore's office with Dumbledore, Snape, and Lockhart present)

Snape: Headmaster, I am telling you! Potter spoke Parstletoung. In the words of little children; that's a language of bad potty words.

Dumby: Well you yourself said that some of Voldy's powers might have been blasted into Harry so I'm just hoping that everything will work out like it always does.

(Short silence)  
Snape: Okay, things have NEVER worked out for us all. Our life's suck. You and I were killed-

Lockhart: Well, you killed him Severus.

Snape pointing at Dumby: (In childish voice) He told me to!

Dumby: Alright, I'm sure Harry Potter is not evil. So why don't we all relax, take a breather, and go to bed. Now which one of you would like to join me this evening?

(Lockhart and Snape say their lines at the same time)

Snape: No thank you.

Lockhart: Goodbye!

(They walk out)

Dumby: Well that sucks for them.

(Turns and leaves)  
Dumby: Hey Scarfy! Wanna go for a late night swim in our hidden swimming pool?

Scarfy's voice: I'm married you moron!

(Commercial break)

A very Potter Sitcom is brought to you and part by Redvines.

Don't miss tomorrow's episode of Family Guy.

Now back to the show on Comedy Central.

(Scene begins in the Slytherin common room)

Malfoy: I can't believe Potter is the heir of Slytherin! Well, he can't be! Even if he does speak snake language, he's still way too much of a square to try anything like that!

(Picks up a drug cigarette and takes a smoke)

(See's Crab and Goyle's looks of shock)

Malfoy: What? The great wizard Gandalf freaken' smoked.

(Audience cheers and laughs at Lord of the Rings reference)

Malfoy: Now if I was the heir of Slytherin, I would kill every last mudblood in the school. Especially that Herman Granger!

(The dark, angry theme of "If I was Slytherin's heir begins)

Malfoy sings: If I was the heir of Slytherin, I would be evil and would be evilly slithering! (Slithering pronounced as Slitheren') I would gut all of those damn muggle borns! I would use a knife or a pair of erumpent horns! If I was the heir of Slytherin! If I was the one to open the chamber of secrets, I would make sure to keep it a secret! Oh yes (dark, evil beat) if I (dark, evil beat) was the heir of Slytherin!

(Theme slows down to sad and remorseful)

Malfoy singing as if about to cry: Oh daddy! Oh daddy. Even if you weren't my dad! I miss you; your death does NOT make me glad, anymore. I will kill-

(Back to evil theme)

Malfoy singing angrily: kill Potter! And his friends! I will make sure his spine bends! He will die! And I, will have you proud of me in heeeeeelllll! This shall be quite the story to teeeeeelllllll! Even if I am not the HEIR… OF…. SLYTHERIN! I am not some damn little poofa! I am tall to a little ompa loompa! I am strong! My plan will be long! I will be evilly slithering! Oh, if I was the heir of Slytherin!

(Song ends and audience cheers)

(Scene changes to field near Hogwarts)

(Harry is sitting with Hedwig, played by a robotic bird controlled by a worker offstage)

(Depressed theme of "Who am I Hedwig?" starts)

Harry, looking at Hedwig: Who am I Hedwig?

Hedwig voiced by actress of Myrtle: Harry freaken' Potter of course.

Harry: Well then, what am I?

Hedwig: The worst thing ever…. A boy.

(Female members of audience cheer)

Harry singing: Who am I Hedwig?

Hedwig singing: I just answered that you head pig.

Harry speaking: Uh… what's a… what's a head pig?

Hedwig singing: Oh it does not matter now little Potter. But chin up, after all, don't be such a snotter!

Harry singing sadly: I miss being the cool kid in school. I wish I was more than this new me who is such a bit of poo. I miss the way things were.

Hedwig: Why? They've always sucked.

Harry singing: But now this whole place has been f(bleep)ed! I miss it all, I might begin to bawl. Why does everything have to suck? I mean seriously, what the fu-

(Siren wails)

Hedwig speaking: Oh look, a fire truck.

Harry singing: Well there goes all of my luck!

(Harry begins to walk a bit)

Harry singing: Ginny and the others seem to resent me. Why, oh why can't Satin leave me be? I am not some gay wad! So now I turn… to… God!

(He looks up to the sky)

Harry singing: Help me oh lord. Please don't be bored. I need some help. I'm in a sticky whelp! Oh God, please help me. Make your old foe Satin leave me be. Help me oh my God.

(After a short instrumental part, the song ends)

(Harry sits back down)

(Chad Kragoff walks in)

Chad: Oh hey Harry.

Harry angrily: Aren't you gonna run away like all of the other dicks here?

(Chad looks shocked)

Chad: Jeez, sorry.

Harry calmly: No I'm sorry. I was being the dick there. Come here.

(Chad obeys and sits next to Harry)

(Harry puts his arm around Harry)

Harry: You know you're like a little brother to me.

Chad: Thanks.

(He smiles)  
Chad: Harry, I know you're not the heir of Slytherin. You're WAY to good a person. I mean you killed Voldemort. You are the best guy I know. I really look up to you.

(Harry smiles)

Harry: You mean that?

(Snape comes in)

Snape: Of course he bloody believes it Potter. I also personally think that you aren't Slytherin's heir. You're too much of a square. Hey that rhymes. Anyway, you probably only speak Parstletoung because of Voldemort's powers being blasted into-

(He runs over to Harry and pokes his nose)  
Snape: - you.

Snape: I quite honestly respect you. I'm sure that there's nothing you need to worry about. Although I mean I would rather be related to Slytherin than those damned Dearsly's. So why don't you two go back to your corny scene of friendship and Snape will now vanish.

(He turns to run but trips over his own feet and falls down the hill and out of sight)  
(Harry and Chad get up to look as we hear Snape yelling while he falls)  
Snape calling: I'm okay! I landed on my knee- OW! Okay, I'm NOT okay!

Harry: Well, thank you Chad. You really made me feel better.

Snape calling in sing song voice: Hello? I am still in agonizing pain here!

(Harry and Chad laugh and go down to help the Professor)

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins in Gryffindor common room)

(Ron, Hermione, Jacob, Seamus, Dean, Cho, and Lavender are all standing near the fire place)

(Harry and Chad both walk in with Harry looking surprised at the gathering and Chad not looking shocked)

Harry: What the bloody hell's going on here?

Ron: We wanted to show you that we all still love you.

Jacob: We even brought some of our Ravenclaw friends to say hi.

Cho: Me- how Harry Potter.

(She bows and Harry smiles)  
Hermione: Um, there's one person who wanted to speak to you particularly.

(As Ginny enters the song "Not alone" from the first musical starts to play)

(Harry smiles and almost starts to cry)  
Ginny: I've been alone, surrounded by darkness, and I've seen how heartless the world can be. I've seen you crying, you felt like it's hopeless. I'll always do my best to make you see 'Cause baby you're not alone! 'Cause you're here with me, And nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'Cause nothin can keep me from lovin you and you know it's true that it don't matter what'll come to be, our love is all we need to make it through. Now I know it aint easy.

Harry singing solemnly: No, it aint easy.

Ginny singing with hope: But it aint hard tryin'!

Harry singing: So hard trying'!

Ginny: Every time I see you smilin', I feel you so close to me! So tell me,

Harry and Ginny singing: That baby you're not alone! 'Cause you're here with me, and nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you! And you know it's true, it don't matter what'll come to be, our love is all we need to make it through.

Harry singing: Well I still have trouble; I trip and stumble, trying to make sense of things some times. I look for reasons, but I don't need 'em. All I need is to look in your eyes and I realiiiiiiiiiiiiize-

(He looks at the others and smiles as everyone joins in)

All singing: Baby you're not alone, 'cause you're here with me, and nothing's ever gonna take us down, 'cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you and you know it's true that it don't matter what'll come to be... our love is all we need to make it through!

(Song ends and audience cheers)

Harry: I love you guys!

(Group hug and audience claps some more)

(Roll and credits)

Author's note: There will NOT be an episode uploaded next week. There will be a Halloween special the week after that. Please, PLEASE review. I really wanna know what you think. I hope you enjoyed. The song "Not alone" belongs to Starkid productions, not me. I do however own the lyrics of "If I was the heir of Slytherin". Hope you enjoyed this. If any of you have ideas for lyrics to songs that I could put in this, feel free to send them to me by a privet message on my profile page. If you do, I will give you credit for them of course.


	6. Episode 6, special Halloween ep

A very Potter Sitcom

Episode 6, Season 1

(A very Hogwartian Halloween)

(TV- 14)

(Theme song)

(Scene begins in Great Hall in the morning. We see many Halloween decorations on the walls)

Dumbledore: Good morning kiddies. I'm very happy to announce that we shall be having a Halloween ball this Halloween night so be sure to invite that special someone!

(He looks at Snape)  
Dumby: So Severus…

Snape: Oh, I just remembered that I can't go. I have to spend Halloween like I always do, getting drunk in my office. (Quickly) Snape Vanish, bye!

(He runs off)

Dumby: Okay, so all of you kids get ready to ask out some sexually attractive people! Bye, byyyyyyeeee!

(He walks off)

Hermione: So who are you gonna ask out Jacob?  
Jacob to group of girls: Uh… which one of you wanna go to the ball with me?

(They all raise their hands)

Girls: Me, I do!

Jacob: I'll go with all of you!

(They cheer as he walks off with them)

Chad laughing: What an idiot.

(He walks off as well)

Ron: So Hermione, we're going together right?

Hermione: Yep.

Ron: Cool.

Harry: Have you guys seen Ginny anywhere?  
(Ginny comes on)

Ginny singing: I've been alone, surrounded by darken-

Ron: Shut up. We already did that poor heart harmony last week.

Ginny: Oh, right.

Harry: So, wanna go to the Halloween ball with me?

Ginny: Oh yeah!

Harry: Great, so I'll see you later than?

(Ginny nods)  
Ginny: Yeah, see ya!

Harry laughing: Okay bye!

(He runs off)

Ginny: I've gotta get my dress!

(She runs off)  
(Malfoy walks on with Pansy in front of him, trying to avoid him)

Malfoy: But Pansy, I know I was an ass at the Yule ball last year but I've changed since then.

Pansy angrily: Oh bull(bleep)! You haven't changed one bit. You only wanna go with me to get Hermione Granger jealous.

Malfoy laughing nervously: Oh yeah right! And you say I'm the one who's talking bull(bleep).

Pansy: Oh I'm sorry if you're just a dork who can't get laid so let me just say… go to hell Malfoy!

(She runs off)

(Crabbe and Goyle walk on)

Malfoy to Goyle: Pain in the ass right? Poor thing was begging me to go with her but I simply raised my head and said "Oh, I AM sorry Miss. Parkinson, but you are too late as I have decided not to go with anyone. It's all above my dignity and I know that to keep it, I have to-

(Moaning Myrtle walks on)

Myrtle: Wanna go to the ball with me?

Malfoy: YES!  
Myrtle: Okay.

(She leaves)

Malfoy in sing song voice: I got a date! I got a date!

Crabbe: What happened to you and Luna Lovegood?

Malfoy: Well, we just sorta… split apart. And then she dumped me. Yeah…. What a bitch.

(He begins to walk away)  
Malfoy: Come on, let's get going! I want to go make fun of wizard chess club members or something.

(Scene change)

(In the Gryffindor common room, Harry is getting into his dress robes with Ron and Jacob)

(Song "A Hogwartian Halloween" begins)

(Scary theme of excitement)

Harry singing: Why gentlemen, we have a glorious treat tonight! This year's Hogwartian Halloween shall be the opposite of a fright!

Ron singing: We might get a drink, we might get laid, and we might get a wink from a girl and maybe paid!

Jacob singing: And all in all, it'll be a ball.

(They walk off as Seamus and Dean come on)

Seamus singing: I've really, really gotta say, that this year'll be okay!

Dean singing: I'm having one of those days, supported by one of my favorite HOLIDAYS!

Both singing: I think we're gonna have a great old Hogwartian Halloween!

(Scene quickly changes to girls dorm without fadeout)

(Hermione, looking like she did at Yule Ball, is brushing her hair)

Hermione singing: For once as I look into this shiny mirror, I feel like the upmost Goddess of the year! I love this place, love the school, I love my face; it's really cool. I just feel like I'm gonna defeat all who are mean and that I shall have a damn good Hogwartian Halloween!

(Scene changes, without fadeout, to the Halloween ball with Dumbledore in the same usual robes, but in black, next to McGonagall)

Dumby singing: Welcome kiddies, to this year's Hogwarts Halloween ball!

McGonagall singing: It's time for fun for you-

Dumby singing: For ALL!

Both singing: And ghosts like Peeves will be mean, as it's a Hogwartian Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenn!

All singing: If you think we're scary here in the wizard world, just watch us on Halloween and we will unfurl! We've got the best-

Dumby and McGonagall singing: The dead no longer rest!

All singing: And our goblins and ghosts shall be really meeeeeeaaan! WHY? Because it's a Hogwartian !

(Song ends)

Dumby: Okay kids, drinks are over there! Don't spike the punch with any butter bear okay? Good.

(Commercial break)

(We return to the Halloween ball with Harry holding Ginny)

Harry: Having fun?  
Ginny: Yeah I guess.

(Pause)

Harry: Hey, wanna go have some REAL fun?  
Ginny excited: Oh wowy! Oh Harry Potter.

Harry laughing: Okay, let's go.

Malfoy: Not so fast Potter!

(Malfoy comes rolling onto stage. He looks cocky)

Malfoy: I see that you're having a date with that Weasly girl. I'VE got a date too.

Harry: Oh really, with who, Moaning Myrtle?

(Harry and friends all laugh)  
Malfoy: Uh…. no. I have a date with…. with… uh….. Well, see here Potter-

Harry: What?

Malfoy still rolling: I have not acquired a date per say but that I really actually think that

(A student accidently spills the whole boll of Punch onto Malfoy)

Malfoy: Ow.

(Others start laughing)  
Malfoy: This is all your fault Potter! You will all pay! Draco vanish!

(Malfoy slowly begins to roll away)

(Everyone stars at him)

Malfoy: Now you see me now yooooooooooooo-

(Finally disappears off stage)

Malfoy: - oooou don't!

(Pause)

Harry: Well uh… that was funny.

(Everyone agrees and laugh)

Hermione: I don't know. Harry, maybe you should talk with him. When we're nice then he's really nice too. I feel kinda bad, could you just try?

Harry: Alright Hermione, if it means that much to you, I'll talk to him. Just make sure you do my Potions essay later, 'cause it's due tomorrow.

Hermione: Okay.

Harry: Thanks.

(He walks off stage)

(Scene changes to Malfoy sitting in a small room alone)

(Harry walks in and the theme "Harry and Hermione" from the film Harry Potter and the Half blood prince starts)

(Audience laughs at reference to Half blood price movie)

Harry: Hey you.

(Malfoy looks around)

Malfoy: What do YOU want Potter?

Harry: I'm sorry. Look, you're not that bad of a guy and I'm sorry if I've been an ass.

(Malfoy smiles slightly)

Harry: I don't hate you Malfoy.

(Door slams shut)

(Harry runs and finds that it's locked)

Harry: CRAP! Now I'm stuck with Malfoy, I hate this guy!

(Malfoy rolls his eyes and takes out his wand)

Malfoy: Let me at it Potter. Alohomora!

(Nothing happens)

(Malfoy tries to open the door)

Malfoy: Oh dear God. We're trapped.

(Dark theme plays and stops as scene changes to Halloween ball)  
Ginny: I don't know. He's been gone a long time Jacob.

Jacob: Well, I'm sorry Ginny but no, I haven't seen him.

(Snape walks up drunkenly)

Snape drunk: Hey! Did you ever see the movie Transformers?

Both: Yeah?

Snape: Okay, good job. Did you see my picture of Lily Evans around anywhere?

Both: No?

Snape: Then DETENTION!

(Ginny screams slightly and Jacob groans)

Snape: Hey! Did you see Van Helsin?

Jacob: Yep.

Ginny: No.

Jacob and Snape: Then YOU SUCK!

(Ginny cowers)

(Scene changes back to room with Harry and Malfoy)

Malfoy: Potter? Are you still here or did you find a way out?

(Harry walks out from behind a pillar and is behind Malfoy)

(Harry is holding an ax)

(Audience cheers at reference to Shinning)

Harry: AAAGGHHH!  
(He runs at Malfoy)  
Malfoy: AAAHH! Rape!

Harry calm: No it is not rape. It's REDRUM!

Malfoy to himself: Redrum? Redrum? Oh, spelled backwards is Murder. I get it now. AAAAAGGHH! REDRUM!

(Harry begins chasing Malfoy around the room)

(Scene quickly changes to Chad in his bed)

(His eyes suddenly shoot open)

Chad: Redrum. Redrum. Redrum. Redrum.

(He get's out of bed and walks out of the dorm)

Chad: Redrum. Redrum. Redrum.

(He walks down the stairs and into the Gryffindor common room)

(Ron, Hermione, Seamus, Dean, Jacob, Neville, Cho, and Lavender all star at Chad as he passes)

Chad: Redrum. Redrum! Redrum! Redrum! Redrum! Redrum! Redrum! REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM! Redrum.

(He walks out)

Cho: Redrum? What's Redrum?

Ron: I think it might be what we drank tonight.

Neville: Yes, somebody spiked the punch.

Jacob: Damn straight somebody spiked the punch.

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins in room with Harry in it. He is holding his ax)

Harry: Oh Draco? Where are you? I've got a present for ya.

(Filch knocks on door)

(Harry jumps and runs behind a pillar)

(Door opens)  
(Filch walks in)  
Filch: Hello? Anyone in here? Hm?

(He walks forward slightly as door closes behind him)

Filch: What the-

(Harry runs out with the ax)  
Harry: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  
(He hits Filch with the ax and Filch screams)

(Scene changes to Chad screaming in the hall)

Chad: AAAAAGGGHHH!

(He breaths)

Chad: Whew. Okay. AAAAAGGGHHHH!

(Snape comes up)  
Snape slowly: Stop yelling, I have an early hangover.

Chad quickly: Redrum.

(He runs away)

Snape: Kids. And no, it was beer not Redrum!

(Scene changes back to small room with Filch on the ground)

(Chad runs in and sees)

Chad: Harry!

(Harry looks at him and holds ax)

Harry: Redrum kid, Red (bleep) ing rum.

(Malfoy walks behind Harry with his own ax)

(Malfoy swings it down and hits Harry who falls onto floor, dead)

Malfoy: Don't screw with Malfoy, Potter.

(Screen goes black and changes to Malfoy turning in bed)  
Malfoy: Oh yes Hermione! Your friend was a bad person but I beat him in the en-

(He wakes up)

Malfoy: It was a dream? Damn it.

(Goes back to sleep)

(Myrtle pokes her head out from under the bed)  
Myrtle: Happy Halloween. (Cackles) Now it's rape.

(She gets up and goes over to Malfoy, still laughing evilly)

(Roll and credits)


	7. Episode 7

A very Potter Sitcom

Episode 7

Ron and Herman

(TV- 14)

A very Potter Sitcom is brought to you and part by

Redvines

(Suck it Twizzlers)

Announcement: Don't miss the new Sci- Fi comedy "Starships" by Starkid productions and YouTube movies, coming February 2011.

(Theme song)

(Scene begins in Gryffindor common room with Harry, Hermione, Ron, Jacob, Chad, Neville, Dean, Seamus, and for some reason Cho and Lavender)

(Ron walks in clutching his stomach)

Ron moaning: Oh why in HELL did I eat that candy?

Harry: Well, how much did you even eat on Halloween?

(Ron thinks)

Ron: Well all I had was about-

Ron quickly: 10 snickers, six… REDVINES!... two KitCats, one mini pie, seven assorted bearty bots beans, three chocolate frogs, a king size Hershey bar, two Twizzlers that made me VOMIT, sixteen Dove bar bags, and a whole lot of REDBULL!

(Audience laughs and cheers)

Chad: I had one crunch bar.

Hermione: My parents say that candy's bad for your tee-

Ron: Hermione, I am your boyfriend. So I believe that it is up to me to tell you to… shut up! Okay, Oh just shut up.

(Hermione scoffs)

Hermione angrily: Oh! So it's your right to just push me around and boss me around? Is that what you think?

Neville: Well he did just say that so I think that logically-

Hermione: Stay outta this Shlongbottom!

Ron: Hermione, I just thought that when you're not dating, a girl was the boss but when you went out then it changes.

Girl in audience: Boo!

Hermione angrily: You're damn right boo! Ron, you are NOT the boss of me and there is no way in heaven, hell, or on Earth that you will EVER, EVER, EVER BE THE BOSS OF ME!

Ron scared: Oh s(bleep).

Hermione: If you are just gonna be some moron who can't think for himself but still thinks that he's dominate then… then… then I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!

(Everyone gasps, including Jacob who does it in a girly fashion)

Ron: But Hermione, I thought you loved me.

(Pause)

Hermione: I thought that too, but you just-

Ron: Hermione please!

(The song "Hermione's stutter" begins in the same theme of "Stutter" from A very Potter Sequel)

Hermione singing angrily: Remember that time (beat, beat) when you wouldn't talk to me? (Beat, beat) Yeah you wouldn't talk to me! (Beat, beat) Yesterday, (Song speeds up) we were gettin' along! We had a little dancing thing, well here's a song I sing, THE GRANGER WAY!

(Song pauses)  
Hermione: Oh my God, I am a little Umbridge.

Ron angrily: Oh yeah? Well,

(Song resumes)  
Ron singing: Remember that time (Beat, beat) when you thought you were at the top, but now I know I'm better off (Beat, beat) without you!

Hermione singing: Oh yeah? Well baby, come on, come on!

Both singing angrily: Why don't you tell me dude-

Hermione singing: That you were always gonna stuff your face!

Ron singing: That your tears were always all OVER THE PLACE!

Hermione singing: Why you gotta be like that? I don't like the way you act-

Ron singing: Around YOU? Oh no, (Longer beat) I thought you were looser but now I'm off the phone because I remembered the way you bitch and moan. Do you remember the way you thought you were way outta line, now you're way outta time

Hermione not singing: RON! YOU ARE EMBARISING ME! WE AREN'T EVEN GETTING THE LYRICS TO UMBRIDGE'S SONG COMPLETELY RIGHT!

Ron singing: Well… too bad you weren't looser; too bad you waste my time,

Hermione singing: Good thing that I'm around to keep your ASS IN LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!

(Song and scene fades as Ron and Hermione begin yelling at each other)

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins in Dumbledore's office with him, Hermione, Ron, and Snape)

Snape: Now children, we have heard that you two have decided to break up.

Ron: Okay, who the hell told you two that?

Dumby: Ron, I'm the headmaster of Hogwarts and the whole thing about your relationship is a complete secret, so naturally the whole (bleep)ing school knows.

(Audience cheering at reference to first book)

Hermione in snobby voice: Well **I** don't think that it's a good idea for Ron and I to continue our… our

Snape: Sexual relationship?

Hermione: Yes, our… ugghh… relationship.

Ron: Did you just say (imitating Hermione) "ugghh"?

Hermione: Yep, I did.

Dumby: Well, I mean it's not like you two actually had sex. (Laughs)

(Silence)  
Dumby angrily: Do you mean to tell me that you two had SEX while in Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry?

Ron: No we did it at the burrow last summer when my mom was out.

Dumby: Well than HOT DOG Ron, you da man!

(They high five)  
Hermione: Professor, I thought you hated the way I look.

Dumby: Oh yeah. I forgot. Ron, what in the hell is the matter with you?

Snape: If I may make a suggestion; we could sign the children up for relationship counseling?

(Ron and Hermione both babble random excuses together)

Dumby: Well, than it's settled. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to use the little ladies room.

Snape: Professor-

Dumby: Oh come on! Why can't you straights just let us gays pretend that we're women?

Snape: Well, why couldn't white people have played things nice with the Native Americans, why couldn't Europeans have called black people brown people, why couldn't we all just realize that Asians are trying to make their eyes look wider? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!

(Pause)

Snape: If the good lord had intended for none of us to be racist, he would have given us common sense.

Hermione: What do you mean by common sense?

Snape: Oh, you see a black person and that automatically makes them bad. Does that sound like smart individual thinking to you?

(Scene changes to small room that looks like a gypsy lives there)

(Ron and Hermione enter and look around nervously)

Ron: Whoa, what is this place?

Woman's voice in strong tone: It is the resident of the Hogwarts gypsy known as Trelawney. I am the goddess of seeing, and have been gifted with the sight! I come forth to give you some dating advice NOW!

(Jane Lynch walks out in yellow over robe and audience begins to cheer and clap)

Trelawney in normal voice: Welcome. Sit down kids and let's have a little talk.

(They sit)  
Hermione: Um… Professor, I'm not really into divination-

Trelawney: Neither am I. I think it's all bull(bleep).

(Snape comes out from behind a corner, says "Bulls**t" and disappears)

Trelawney: You see; the trouble with school is that they always try and teach the wrong lesson. Just dance through life and you'll be fine.

Hermione: Isn't that a "Wicked" song?

Ron: It doesn't sound wicked.

(Hermione glares)

Ron: What' I do?

Hermione: Not "wicked" as in "cool". I meant the musical Wicked.

Ron: Oh I hate musicals. You'll never catch me in one of those.

(Hermione rolls her eyes)

Trelawney: Okay, just understand that I aint here to teach you kids stuff. I'm here to do the same thing I did at that muggle high school to those Glee losers.

(Audience cheers and laughs)

Trelawney: I'm here to make your little; tiny, insignificant lives a living hell.

(The song "Trelawney's living hell" begins with a joking, sinister theme to it)

Trelawney signing: I am not a big fan of kids; get me a day off God forbids! I just wanna make you have a story to tell as you go through Trelawney's living hell! I'm not that old, I'm very clean. However, I'm not that young, and I'm really mean. I've got a lot on my mind, so you kids stay outta the way or with a rope you'll be bind! I gotta lot do, I don't have a lot of time to screw, I make a living at this freaken' school; but in the end I am very cool! So remember, stay out of the way or you shall pay. I'll give make you use a computer by dell, as you enter Trelawney's living hell.

(Actors of guys from Glee begin dancing in background)

(Song ends)

Hermione: Professor, aren't you gonna give us any advice?

Trelawney: Oh just get over your problems with some tequila! Now get outta here.

(Commercial break)

(Scene changes to Gryffindor common room)

(Ron and Hermione are sitting on separate sides of the room as Harry walks in)

(Harry looks at both of them, wondering who he should sit with)

Harry: Um… who should I sit with? Oh God I hate it when they make me choose.

(He begins walking towards Hermione who smiles)  
Ron: Harry?

(Harry turns and walks to Ron)  
Hermione: Harry?

(He turns)

Ron: Harry?

(Turns)  
Hermione: Harry?

(Turns)'

(As this is happening, Jacob walks in and sees them all)

Jacob: What the hell?

(Scene changes to Slytherin common room)

(Malfoy is sitting on the couch in between Goyle and, for some reason, Puck)

Malfoy: You know lads; I think that Granger breaking up with weasel can provide and excellent opportunity to-

Puck: Bang her?

Malfoy cheerfully: Why yes boy from Glee. I want to… bang her. (Smiles)

Goyle grumbling: Why won't any girl go out with me? Goyle rules.

Malfoy: Oh Goyle, maybe you don't rule after all.

(Goyle turns his head slowly toward Malfoy and leans in so that his nose is touching Malfoy's)

Goyle: I am awesome. You are not. Ha…. ha.

Malfoy: Well then, I'm going to go and try.

(He gets up and slowly, smugly, and confidently he begins to walk out)

(Heroic theme plays as he walks through Hogwarts and students start to clap while shouting things like "Go and get her Draco!"

(He walks in the Gryffindor common room and stops in front of Hermione)

Hermione: What?

(Malfoy begins to shake nervously and fearfully)

Malfoy: Um…. Uh… I… uh… Oh crap, I just peed!  
(Runs out)

Hermione: What the hell?

(Malfoy runs into bathroom where Ron is standing)

Malfoy looking confident: I just impressed Granger Weasly.

Ron: Then why are your pants all wet?

Malfoy: I have to go!

(He runs out)

Ron: *Scoffs* Dumbass.

(Harry walks in)  
Harry: Ron?  
Ron: What?  
Harry: You've got to get back together with her man.

Ron: NO! She's a bitch. I don't ever wanna deal with her again.

(Looking like he's about to cry, Ron walks out of the bathroom)  
Harry: This might be hard.

(Ending theme)


	8. Episode 8 PREVIEW! Ep coming Wednesday!

Episode eight preview

Dumbledore's Glee

Announcer: This Wednesday, part of the Harry Potter Marathon;

We shall give you a brand new episode of "A very Potter Sitcom" coming to you at 9:00 P.M eastern standard time. In honor of Darren Criss's upcoming appearance on Fox's hit show "Glee" we give you…

(We see Dumbledore in practicing room)

Dumbledore to camera: Dumbledore's Glee!

Guest starring one of the best characters of Glee.

(We see Sylvester as Trelawney in the Great Hall)  
Trelawney to Hermione: Musical arts my not so wrinkly but very aged and bored ass!

With music performances like you've never seen Starkid do before!

(We see the students dancing to a new song)

Students singing while dancing impressively: We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! OOOOOH! We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts and one for Hermione too!

And humor as always.

(We see Dumbledore and Snape carrying a large cross)  
Dumbledore: Careful Snape, it's a Christian cross.

Snape: Got it.

(Phone rings once)  
(Dumbledore lets go and takes out phone)

Dumbledore: Oh that's me.

(Cross falls on Snape who yells)  
Snape: Ow, my wiener.

A very Potter Sitcom, new episode coming to you this Wednesday night at 9. Part of YouTube TV's Harry Potter marathon. Also, don't miss the new episode of Glee on FOX on the same night!

(We see Darren Criss)

Darren: We're showing it the same time as Glee? Better record it.

(Looks at camera)  
Darren: Cool! I get to be on T.V at the same time on two shows! See you all there.

Announcer: DON'T MISS "A VERY POTTER SITCOM" BRAND NEW EPISODE SPOOFING GLEE THIS Wednesday NIGHT ON YOUTUBE TV'S HARRY POTTER MARATHON! THEN DON'T MISS RERUN EPISODES OF POTTERPUPPETPALS AND EXTENDED HARRY POTTER FILMS ON YOUTUBE TV'S HARRY POTTER MARATHON, LEADING UP TO THE WORLD PREMEIR OF HARRY POTTER 7 CLAYMATION, A YOUTUBE TV MOVIE AND THEN HEAD TO THE THEATER TO SEE HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 1! Don't miss it!


	9. SPECIAL ANNOUNCMENT MUST READ!

SPECIAL ANNOUNCMENT:

Hello there all viewers! I just want to say how fun it's been writing this show and I do hope you've been enjoying it. I have even given it its own website! There you shall be able to watch "A very Potter Musical" and soon "A very Potter Sequel" along with other soon upcoming Starkid musicals. Also, there is a news feed on some things you might all be interested in and some sneak peeks at upcoming episodes. The site is called

www. A very potter sitcom .wetpaint .com

You can go to this website if you please and also watch videos from YouTube where they combine the music of one musical and the videos of AVPM and AVPS. Songs such as Legally Blonde's "Gay or European" and "Whipped into shape". You can also watch Snape and his enemy

Snape from second musical: Remus Lupin!

Watch them battle each other as they both sing Wicked's song "What is this feeling?"

So visit this website if you enjoy my story, become part of the online community, and let us all celebrate the work of Starkid productions!


	10. Episode 8

A very Potter Sitcom

Episode 8

Dumbledore's Glee

(TV- 14)

(Theme song begins but with the Glee cast on)

Rachel singing: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

All singing: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, back to goblins and ghosts and a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

(Mr. Shoe comes on)

Shoe: I'm sorry, what's its name?

All singing: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Shoe: I didn't here you kids!

All singing: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

(Sylvester, or Trelawney, comes out)

Trelawney: Aw, shut the hell up.

(Scene begins in Great Hall in the morning)

Dumby: Welcome to the wonders of the Monday morning.

Snape with his head down on table: F(bleep) you.

Dumby: I have a wonderful announcement! We are getting… a Glee club!

(Students begin to talk excitedly)

Hermione: Oh finally! We already lost our drama club but now here's a brand new way to enjoy the arts.

Ron: Oh come on. It's all nerdy.

Hermione: Oh, you just don't like it because of me jumping to the idea.

Ron: Oh if you jump Hermione, I'm sure your man boobs would fly off from the pressure.

Hermione: The pressure of what?

(Pause)

Ron: Um… you know. The… uh…. air pressure… on your… uh… boobies… um… it's a real thing.

(Trelawney stands angrily)

Trelawney: Seriously Dumby, really? You're gonna add a Glee club to a bunch of jinx happy moron kids who can hardly stand a caldron the right way up.

Snape whispering to Dumbledore: It's true, I've seen them.

Dumby: I'm sure you're both exaggerating. No kid has trouble like that.

(We see Goyle)

(Goyle has a caldron on its side)  
Goyle stupidly: Goyle finds this difficult.

(Caldron rolls onto floor)

Goyle stupidly, hanging his head: Aw.

Hermione: Professor please, we've gotta have a Glee club so that we can enjoy the wonders of the theater of musical arts.

Trelawney: Musical arts my not so wrinkly but very aged and bored ass. I've watched the way muggles made asses of themselves in front of entire schools. And there was a girl just like you Granger. But she was hotter, with long black hair. However, she was short like you and bossy like you. Her name; Rachel.

Malfoy: If you'll all pardon me, the Granger girl has a fair point. I do believe that I could sing quite well in front of the Hogwarts School. After all, you're all very easily satisfied.

Harry: What makes you think we're easily satisfied?

Malfoy: Oh please, you all thought that "Me and My Dick" was a timeless classic.

(Audience laughs and cheers at MAMD reference)

Dumby: Well, we shall all see who can sing at this school at the auditions tomorrow. Ta ta!

(He walks off and sings a short part of a song)  
Dumby singing: Oh we're all in this together!

Trelawney: Well than, we will see how a Glee club goes losers. Ta freaken' Ta kids.

(She walks off with everyone else leaving Harry and Ron alone)  
Harry: Hey listen Ron, buddy. You and Hermione were a great couple and I think that you should stop fighting and try to-

Ron: No! I always wanted to talk about something cool like Quidditch but she was always going on about some old wizard named Gandalf. What the hell is Gandalf, some sorta acne medication?

Harry: Ron, dude maybe you can instead focus on the interests you two share? Like making yourselves look better? You've got a double chin and she has a big nose which doesn't look bad if she powders herself and makes her hair look nice.

(Ron rolls his eyes)

Harry: Come on man, you've gotta try! I can't just be in the middle of another argument. This happens every (bleep)in' year!

Ron: Okay, I'll try. I can talk to her about me uh… I dunno. I'll figure something out.

Harry: Alright man thanks.

Ron: Welcome.

(They walk off)

(Malfoy comes on and sits on a chair with a paper and crayon)

Malfoy: Dear master, I (you're secret informant) have discovered that the diary has made it into the castle in the hands of Ginny Weasly. I do hope that whatever you're planning to do will kill off all mudbloods. Hugs and butterfly kisses, your secret informant.

(Laughs as he folds up paper)

Malfoy: If they intercept that, it won't give away a thing.

(Audience laughs)

(Malfoy grimaces)

Malfoy: I just hope that… that… that Granger won't…. that Hermione won't be hurt, just Potter and the others.

(Screen goes black)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see the Great Hall has a small stage area in the front with several students in line to audition)

(The teacher judges are McGonagall, Dumbledore, Snape, and Lockhart with Trelawney in the background)

Lockhart smiling: Okay then, we first have Hermione Granger auditioning. Hermione, why don't you start now?

(Hermione nods)

Hermione: Okay.

Trelawney: Aw man, watch her suck.

(Hermione glares but relaxes as music begins)

(The song "Glee for Hogwarts and Hermione" begins with a similar theme to "The coolest girl")

Hermione singing: Every time I walk in this school, I feel like no fool but if we were to have some fun then my job would be done. I wanna a Glee club for Hogwarts! A Glee club for us all. I wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! It's gonna be a right big ball! If you think that you've got no game, come down here and tell us your name. Sing to us, sing very loud! Hop on the bus and ride around! You won't have to worry or flee if Hogwarts brings in some joy and glee! OHHHHHHHHHHH! I wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! One that's really cool! I wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! One for our wizarding school! Oh-

(Other students join in as the theme becomes exciting and fun)

All kids singing: We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts; that would be really great! We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! Rate us a number eight! We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts! OOOOOH! We wanna Glee club for Hogwarts and one for Hermione too!

(Hermione smiles and continues singing with the others)  
Malfoy jumping in: So if you think that you've got no game-

Ron pushing Malfoy aside: And wanna club that aint really lame!

(Hermione smiles more at Ron)

Harry singing: Than come on down and sing to us!

Jacob singing: Just ride around on the Glee club bus!

All kids singing: Because we all wanna a Glee club for HOOOOOGGGGGGWAAAARRRTTTSSS SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

(Audience cheers)  
Dumby: Great job kids. The song was a little pointless because we already got a Glee club but you're all in.

(They cheer)

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins in large room that looks like the Glee room in the Glee show but with Hogwarts walls)

(All of the kids are talking excitedly as Dumbledore walks in)  
Dumby: Hello little Glee club members. Now the members are-

(He reads from a list)  
Dumby: Hermione Granger.

(Students whoop once at different times)

Dumby: Ron Weasly and Harry Potter.

Harry and Ron singing: Redvines!

Dumby: Jacob Kragoff.

Jacob singing: Sex, sex, seeeeexx!

(Everyone stars at him)

Dumby: Moving on. Chad Kragoff.

Chad: What up?

Dumby: Neville Longbottom.

Neville: Hi.

Ron: Shut up.

Neville: Sorry.

Dumby: Vincent Crabbe.

Crabbe: Hello Dumbledore.

Dumby: Theodore Knott.

Theodore singing: I am gaaayyy! I'm like Kurt from Glee!

Dumby: Oh cool, there's our gay character for our new show; Dumbledore's Glee. Well technically, I'm also the gay guy on the damn show anyway.

(Students pause)  
Dumby: Cho Chang, Lavender Brown, and Ginny Weasly.

(They all greet him in their usual ways)

Dumby: Draco Malfoy, Glee's little s(bleep).

Malfoy: Hi, I'm little D.

Dumby: Yeah, don't care. Then we've got Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas who is our black character, and that's it.

Chad: Are you teaching us Professor?

Dumby: Yep. Now, first we shall be trying a group song that I know you'll all enjoy. It's a hit song by the Weird Sisters; a popular Wizarding band. Do you all know the song?

Hermione: Yes, and sense we are in a musical, we can dance without practice.

Dumby: Okay then. Get in line and let's make the magic happen! Oh God, I've always wanted to say that in a Harry Potter show.

(Music of "My hellish game" begins with a rock and roll theme to it)

Hermione singing: So I might not be Van Helen-

Cho singing: But I'm a lot of fun!

Ron singing: When our music starts goin'-

Harry singing: You'll dance even when it's done.

Jacob singing: We are Rock and Roll.

Chad singing: Crazy as a (bleep)in' troll.

Ginny singing: Don't think that we're bad.

Malfoy singing: 'Cause we are sure to get really mad!

All kids singing: Don't you dare call us lame or you shall play our Hellish game!

(Short guitar solo)

Harry singing: Here are the rules that can't be broken!

Hermione singing: In the game there aint no smoken'!

Ron singing: So don't bother to voice your name-

Jacob singing: As you play our-

All singing: Hellish game! So you can't ring the bell as you play in hell!

Hermione singing: Your singing better not sound drunken'-

Jacob singing: As the girls and guys are (bleep)en'!

All singing: So don't be boring, don't be lame! As you play our Hellish game!

(Longer guitar solo)

All singing: So don't be boring, don't be lame! Don't start smoken' or you'll be broken! Don't you try to ring that bell as you play inside our hell! We say don't be lame, as you play…. our Hellish GAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMME!

(Song ends and audience cheers)

(School bell rings as scene changes to Divination class)  
(Trelawney walks in)  
Trelawney: Okay, it has come to my attention that the kids in this class consist of most of the members from the Hogwarts singing group, or as the headmaster likes to call it; Dumbledore's Glee. Now, I do think that you kids need to learn a lesson about why you can just leave this crap alone. You kids are weird enough already.

Harry: Well, we can't be that weird.

Trelawney: You have a magic scar on your head, Weasly has a double chin, Granger comes off looking like a small troll from Halloween Town, Malfoy's half house elf, and need I go on?

(Random student runs across the hall and is seen through the open door way, clutching at her lower area and running in a weird way)

Girl in strange but funny voice: I HAVE TO PEE! OOOOOOOHHHH!

(Snape and Dumbledore can be seen through the doorway both carrying a heavy cross)

Dumby: Careful Snape, it's a Christian cross.

Snape: Got it.

(Phone rings)  
Dumby: We told the audience to silence their phones, oh wait that's me.

(He pulls out cell)

(As he lets go, the cross falls on Snape who yells in his odd voice)

Dumby: Why'd you fall down?  
Snape: Ow, my wiener.

(Trelawney slams door closed)

Trelawney: You see? You're all freaks! Stupid Glee kids. I should beat the crap out of your asses right now.

(She walks toward window that she doesn't see is open)

Hermione: Good God, she's turning into another Umbridge.

Trelawney: I can tell you that a little child abuse spell should whip you into shape.

(She raises her wand but steps on a crystal ball which causes her to fall out of the window)

Trelawney in odd cry: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

(Thump)

Filch from below: Damn it! Now I gotta clean that up too.

(Students cheer)

Harry: Class dismissed.

(They laugh as they run out the door without noticing Snape yelling in pain as he is trampled)

(Commercial break)

(Scene begins in Great Hall)  
Dumbledore: Okay students, Glee club is going great. Now, we have a very special guest here today. His name is Puppet Dumbledore.

Harry: What?

(The Potterpuppetpals Dumbledore puppet jumps from under the table naked)  
Puppet Dumby: Naked Time!

(Audience cheers)  
Dumbledore: Oh don't worry, he's a total hoot.

(Scene changes to Snape on the floor in pain)  
(He lifts himself up slightly)

(Looks around)  
Snape: I am SO taking the day off.

(Snape puppet comes from behind the door)  
Puppet Snape: Tell me about it.

(Disappears)  
Snape: What the hell?

(Credits but with "Glee club for Hogwarts and Hermione" playing)


	11. Episode 9

A very Potter Sitcom

Season 1, Episode 9

"Suck it Twilight"

(TV-14)

For more AVPS fun, go to www.a very potter sitcom. (no spaces)

Harry's voice: A very Potter Sitcom is filmed in front of a live studio audience. So take that Icarly!

(Jacob from AVP Sitcom comes on blank white screen)

Jacob: Oh, hello there Harry Potter fans. Now, the first part of deathly hallows has finally been released and the HUGE majority LOVED IT! Now, this proves that Twilight SUCKS and Harry Potter IS AWESOME! However, what will happen when the idiotic vampire rip offs on Twilight are angry at their terrible reviews on "Eclipse" and "Full moon" or "Blood moon" or whatever the hell it's called? They'll read how their enemies have gotten brilliant reviews on the new finale film and they shall want revenge. Let's see what happens.

(Screen goes dark and we start at a crane shot of a large but empty warehouse)

(Large words appear on the screen)

YOUTUBE CHANNLE PROUDLY PRESENTS….

A SHORT FILM THAT WILL GET THE F***ING MESSAGE TO TWILIGHT THAT THEY SUCK.

A VERY POTTER SITCOM'S….

"SUCK IT TWILIGHT"

DIRECTED BY NICK LANG

(AS BEGINNING CREDITS COME UP, THE DARK THEME AND SOUND OF "Avenge the Vamps" starts)

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR- JAKE PHILLIPS

WRITTEN BY THE "A VERY POTTER SITCOM" WRITTER

**Musical Direction: **Bruce Kiesling

**Choreography: **James Tolbert

**Music & Lyrics: Jacob Kragoff (not real name of mine) writer for "A very Potter Sitcom" with help from Lion King Song "Be prepared"**

**Starring: AVPS cast**

**Also starring: Shane Dawson as Edward, Brian F. as Jacob, Jeremy S. and Megan Fox and Kayne West as Vampire Trio, and ****Julia Albain**** as Bella.**

(The camera swoops down to the inside of the warehouse and we see all of the Twilight people I have just named arguing and yelling at each other)

(Edward steps up on a small platform and shoots a gun in the air)

(They all stop)

Jacob from Twilight: That was a blank right?

Edward: Of course it was.

(Man falls from ceiling onto floor in front of them)  
Edward: Crap. Oh well.

(Music picks up)  
Edward singing: I know we have failed in our task to shove Harry Potter aside. We got bad reviews while they became Hollywood's pride. I know that you all want revenge. Something to make them pay. So let me teach you how to avenge…. and SOON we shall have more prey.

Jacob singing: But what if we are to die and leave poor Bella to cry?

Bella singing: We fight to the death.

Edward singing: Instead of making meth. We shall have reveeeeeeennngee!

James singing: So we haven't lost?

Edward singing: No, we'll soon be boss. It's clear from your blank expression that the lights in the hall are all scarce but we're talking Oscars and successions. Even YOU can't be caught unawares. So prepare for the chance of life time. Prepare for sensational news! A shining new era is ticking nearer.

Victoria singing: And where do WE fetcher?

Edward singing: Just listen to teacher. I know it sounds sorted but you'll be rewarded when at last I am given my due! Yes Twilight shall have more than small lamps, avenge the vaaaaaammps!

Laurent speaking: YAY! Twilight will win, twilight will win! But how?

Edward: We're gonna kill David Yates. Harry Potter too.

James cheering: Great idea! Who needs a fantasy film?

Vampire Trio: No film, no film! LALALALALALA!

Edward angrily: IDIOTS! There will be a film!

Laurent: Yeah but you said-

Edward: WE shall make a film. Stick with me and you'll never be out of an acting job again!

Vampire trio: YAY! Alright! All I ever wanted was a film! HAHAAAA!  
All except Edward singing: It's great that we'll soon be connected! With a director that will lead us out the door.

Edward singing: Of course with pro quo you're expected to take certain duties on board. The future is littered with prizes; and though that I make reality, the point I must have prophesized is…. YOU WON'T GET A SNIF WITHOUT ME!

(Two second chorus)

Chorus: HEHEHEHE!

Edward singing loudly with others chanting along with him: So prepare for the queue of the century. Be prepared for the merckious scam!

Chorus: SHA LALALA!  
Edward singing: Monticules planning, tomist disbanding, the crate of denial, will seep me while I'll be king undisputed. Respected, saluted, and seen for the wonder I AM!

Chorus: AM! LALALA!  
Edward singing: Yes Twilight will have no small lamp. Avenge the VAAAAAAMMPP!

All singing: Yes Twilight will have no small lamp. AVENGE THE VAAAAAAAMMMMPPP!

(Music slows)  
(Screen darkens as Edward cackles madly and evilly)

(We go back to white screen and we see AVP Sitcom Jacob starring wide eyed)  
Jacob: Oh s(bleep).

(Commercial break)

Announcer: You're watching a brand new episode of "A very Potter Sitcom"

Now back to the show! 

(We return to the Great Hall to see Dumbledore standing)

Dumby: Good morning chilites! Now I have exciting news. The new movie based on "HARRY POOOOOTTTEEEERR'S" adventures is out in theaters. It got great reviews and shoved Percy Jackson and more importantly, Twilight out of the damn way so that we could marvel ourselves in the beauty of it all. Wonderful right?

(All agree and some cheer like Ron)

Jacob: Now I am going to just say that it has been an honor to be with you all. And the movie was EPIC!

(More cheering from students)

Harry: Yeah, well we've all been together for a long time. Whoever thought a series about a school of magic in Scotland that made the first one based on a little tiny red stone would actually be more epic than Lord of the Rings soon?

(Audience laughs)  
Harry: Why, I remember when I first got the letter to Hogwarts.

(Image shimmers to Harry in clothes he wore in the beginning of "A very Potter Sequel")

(Harry is at a school with many muggle kids yelling)  
Teacher next to mean looking boy: Dudley! Get in here!

(The actor of Augustus Gloop from the new Charlie and the chocolate factory film comes in eating wonka bars)

Dudley in false British voice: Yeah?

(Audience cracks up)

Mean boy: Don't worry Dudley, I didn't tell her how you smoked the W… E… E… D.

(Teacher rolls her eyes as audience laughs)

Teacher: I can spell you know.

(Man comes in)  
Man: Got a letter for a mister H. Potter?  
Harry: Oh, that's me.

(He is handed the letter)

(He opens it and soft happy music begins)  
Harry starts to sing: Could this be real-

(Music stops)  
Man: Uh, sign here please?

Harry: Oh yeah, sure.

(He scribbles his signature and the scene returns to the present)

Harry: Yep, that was about it.

(Dumbledore smiles)  
Dumby: Okay then, now we have some very good news. We have a new student.

Snape to sky: OH GOD, NOT ANOTHER ONE!

Dumby: His name is-

(Reads off slip of paper)

Dumby: Eddie… Colin.

Hermione: Well, is he here today?

Dumby: Uh…yeah. He's just outside that door where all of our new characters come in.

(Door swings open and Edward walks in)

Edward: Why hello there my good man.

Dumby: *Gasps* Another Gay guy! *squeals joyfully*

Edward angrily: I'M NOT GAY!

Dumby relaxing: Oh I'm sorry, it's the hair.

(Edward rolls his eyes and curses under his breath)

Dumby to students: Now kids, I want you to welcome him to our school formally and I hope that he's not bothered by the fact there's a monster roaming around attacking muggle borns like him.

Edward shocked: WHAT?

Dumby: Off to classes, bye byyyyyyyyeee!

(Walks off)  
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione walk up to Edward)  
Harry: Hey dude, welcome to Hogwarts.

Edward: Oh thank you, yes thank you.

Ron: So, this is Harry f(bleep)ing Potter and this is my frumpy ex girlfriend Herman Granger. Oh, and I'm Ron.

(Hermione looks annoyed)  
Hermione: I'm HERMIONE. It's a pleaser to meet you.

Edward in flirty voice: Why, it is very good to meet you.

(He takes her hand and kisses it)  
(Hermione giggles and Ron looks annoyed)  
Harry smiling: Wow, the old creepy but hot kiss on the hand. Usually means you end up being a villain in the end.

Edward: Yes, it does.

Ron: So, you wanna get to classes Ed-

Lockhart: Why, hello there gay new student.

Hermione: Oh, he's not gay.

(Looks at Edward with flirty expression)

Hermione: And I LOVE his hair.

Edward: OOOH, dear God, my penis just got a boner. Gotta go rub it.

(Clutching his crotch, he walks out)

Lockhart: Boners hurt when your wearing skinning jeans like those gays do. *laughs* I love gays, they're so funny.

(He walks off)

Jacob: I guess that's why he loves himself. Pwned!

Hermione: I'm gonna go.

(She walks off)  
Harry: Hey man, Ron you're not upset about her not wanting you right?  
Ron untruly: No! No, I don't give a rat's ass. *laughs nervously* I've gotta go.

(He leaves)  
(Harry stands alone until we see a shirtless, muscular, tan figure behind the table)  
(Jacob from Twilight throws pan at Harry's head and it hits him)  
Harry: Ow, okay….ow. That didn't knock me out.

(Throws gun that hits Harry in the head and knocks him down unconscious)

(BLACKOUT)

(The image is shown that Harry is tied to a chair)  
(Harry wakes up)  
Harry: *Looks up and around* Aw, damn it, not again!

(The vampire trio comes out)

Laurent: Yes, he smells fresh. Delectable.

Harry cheerfully: Oh really? Thanks. Yeah, I think my new shampoo is really working out for m-

Victoria: SILENCE WIZARD! You are here for one thing and one thing only.

James: To discover that it's the Twilight people who are trying to kill you.

(Victoria rolls her eyes)  
Victoria: You weren't supposed to TELL him that dumbass.

James: Sorry. It's the T….w….i…..l….i…..g…..h…t people who are trying to kill you.

(Rolls her eyes again)

Victoria: He can spell.

Harry: Actually, I missed what you spelled out. But I'm glad to say I heard you guys already.

Laurent: Whatever. You won't make it outta here, Harry….James….Potter!  
Harry: Yeah, I know my name. It's awesome. *chuckles* Aw, I love myself.

(Dark music of "Jacob from Twilight" starts)

(Jacob from Twilight comes out)  
Harry: Why aren't you wearing a shirt?

Jacob: I'm not allowed.

Harry: Who the hell are you? What are you gonna do with me you Twilight dick?

Jacob: My name is Jacob. The Jacob *looks at screen* from Twilight!  
(Music picks up)

Jacob singing: Oh, I once was a boy…and not a girl toy. In the first one, not a man, in the second one, I ran to show what I looked like beneath! I was known around the gulf, as America's new teen wolf! I'm here to carry out the deed! Yes oh yes, oh yes indeed! Your world is now mine!  
Harry speaking: Wow, that's a really corny villain line.

(The rest of the Twilights besides Edward dance to a longer dance solo)

Jacob singing: I'll take Bella to taco bell! When I send you down to hell! *laughs evilly*

All Twilights singing: He's Jacob from Twilight! He'll pick a good fight! Jacob from Twilight! But he aint that bright!  
James singing: Welcome to a new world of badass!  
Laurent singing: Fear us, we are totally madass!

Jacob singing: I'm Jacob from Twilight!

Twilights singing: He's Jacob from Twilight! Jacob from Twilight! Jacob from freaken' Twilight!

Jacob singing: You say we ripped off five other books! But the fans like my good looks!  
Twilights singing: He's Jacob from Twilight! Get 'im in the light! Jacob from Twilight! He'll pick a good fight! Jacob from Twilight! Jacob from Twilight!  
All except Harry singing: JAAAAAAACOOOOOOBB FRRRROOOOOOOMM TWIIIIIIIIII…..!

(Song ends)

(Jacob stands there showing off abs and flexing while Harry sits there looking annoyed)  
Harry: Um….hello?

(They all look)  
Harry: Yeah, hi. Remember me? The guy you were supposed to do in?

Jacob: Oh right!

(Takes out gun and cocks it)  
Jacob: After this, we will win.

(Scene changes to Hogwarts in Great Hall)  
Edward: Hermione, I have something to tell you.

Hermione: Wait. I know what you are.

Edward: Really? Hm, smart bitch. Are you scared?

Hermione: No not really.

Edward: Say it.

Hermione: *deep breath* You're a transvestite.

Edward taken aback: Wait, what?

Hermione: That's why you act fruity but you aren't really a gay.

Edward: No, you dumb bitch. I'm a vampire from Twilight!  
Hermione: *Gasps in horror* You? Oh my God!  
(A bright light comes in the middle of the room)  
Man's voice: Um…yeah hi. Okay…. *clears throat* WARNER BROTHERS HAS FALLEN. YATES IS DEAD. THEY…. ARE COMING!

(Students begin to freak out)  
Dumby scared: Oh Snape. Who's coming? Who killed our greatest director?  
Snape scared: Who else? The damn TWILIGHTS!

(Both scream and run around with everyone else)  
Neville at door: Let's all be calm and-

(He is trampled)  
Neville: AAAAHHH!

Seamus: Bloody f**k! The doors are locked!  
Hermione pointing wand at Edward: STUPIFY!

(He jumps out of way)  
Edward: ATTENTION ALL HOGWARTIAN STUDENTS! I AM EDWARD OF TWILIGHT! WE SHALL HAVE OUR REVENGE! By the way, great job on the new film, really loved it. DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!

(More Twilight characters appear and begin to attack)  
(Bella's dad comes played by random man)

Dad: Come here Herman!  
Hermione: It's Hermione! And DO NOT F(BLEEP) WITH A HARRY POTTER PERSON!

(He looks shocked)  
Hermione: AVADA KADAVRA!

(Dad falls on ground)  
Dad: No, wait!  
Hermione: DIE bitch!

(Scene changes back to Harry and the others)  
(We hear rumbling)  
Jacob: Hear that? That means that the war has begun!

(Door flies open)

(James gasps in pain)  
James: Okay, ow. There is a stake….in my ass.

(Falls dead)  
Jacob: WHO'S THERE?

Other Jacob's voice: ME!

(Comes in with Van Helsing stake gun and wearing Van Helsing costume)  
Jacob from AVPS: Hello BIATCH!

Jacob from Twilight: Who the hell are you?  
Jacob from AVPS: I'm Jacob from "A very Potter freaken' Sitcom! Die teen wolf! Michel J. Fox was a better actor than you. Avada Kadavra!  
Jacob from Twilight: No! Oh, sh*t I am dead.

(Falls as Twilights run out and Bella cries)

(Audience cheers)  
Harry now free: Holy crap! Dude, you just killed him.

Jacob: Yeah. There's only enough room in this school for one Jacob. And that is why our new Jacob kid from Ravenclaw had to die.

Harry: Okay, whatever. Let's kick some Twilight ass.

Jacob: Come on! 

(Scene changes to Great Hall)  
(Harry and Jacob burst in)  
Edward: How did they find you?  
Jacob: You guys were in the damn closet.

Edward: Kill THEM!

(Bella engages in fight with Snape, Victoria in a fight with Hermione, Laurent in a fight with Ron, and Edward in a battle with Harry)  
Hermione: Let's finish this!  
(Epic fighting music from the third Matrix film plays as they begin to battle)  
(Victoria starts punching at Hermione who kicks her in the shin)

(Victoria lands a large double fisted punch on Hermione's face and knocks her down)

Victoria: So you see? Vampires don't suck. But now, I mustn't play with my food.  
(Hermione grabs her wand)

Hermione: *Points it at Victoria* Oh yeah? Can a vampire who wears too much glitter do this? *Stands* FLIPPENDO!  
(Strings coupled to the actor pull Victoria in the air and send her, screaming, flying out the window)  
Hermione: If you flew like REAL vamps did, you wouldn't die that way bitch.

(Laurent, holding Ron in head lock)

Laurent: You're gonna die now weasel.

Ron: *Looks up angrily* NOBODY CALLS ME WEASEEEEELLLLL!

(Ron roars like he did when he made out with Hermione in AVPM and begins to beat up Laurent)  
(He pushes Laurent to broken window)  
Laurent looking scared: Um…. I'm sorry?

Ron: F**K YOOOOOOUUUU!

Laurent with bulged eyes: Oooh sh*t.

(Ron punches him in the nose and causes him to fall out of the window)  
Laurent falling: BELLA! YOU SMELL TASTEEEEEEEYYYY!

(Bella and Snape walk in circle, starring at each other)  
Snape: Well, it has come down to this has it? I finally get to kill a main character on the bad side in this thing.

Bella: And I finally get some lines. Here they are. *Takes breath*  
McGonagall lazily while reading People magazine: Avada Kadavra.

(Bella falls dead)  
Snape disappointed: Aw, I never get to kill anyone these days.

(Walks off)

(Harry and Edward wrestling)  
Edward: I'm gonna make this your last day alive.

Harry: I killed Voldemort and I can kill you.

Edward: I'm worse than him.

Harry: Oh really? Are you almost invincible with the ability to murder thirteen people in one go with a pet snake that can eat people whole?  
(Pause)

Edward: Um…. I sparkle?

(Harry pushes him back)  
Harry: Oh look! A bus than you can hit!

(Edward looks)  
Edward: Where?  
(All Harry Potter characters point their wands at the wall)  
All: REDUCTO!

(Wall falls)

Edward: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Wall falls on him)

(Audience and characters all cheer)  
Harry: Twilight can suck iiiiiiiiitttt!

(Commercial break)

(We return to a large group standing around two bodies)  
Harry: Aw damn it. Did somebody die again?  
Hermione scared: No, Justin and Nearly headless Nick got petrified.

(We see two petrified people on the floor)

(Scene quickly changes to the fallen wall)  
(Dark music plays as Edward's hand breaks out of the brick and feels around)

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK

DON'T FORGET TO VISIT WWW. A VERY POTTER SITCOM. WETPAINT. COM.

(NO SPACES NEEDED. I JUST HAVE TO DO THAT SO IT WON'T GET MESSED UP WHEN I UPLOAD THIS. THE SITE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION SO IT MIGHT HAVE SOME PROBLEMS. WATCH SOME VIDEOS UNTIL THEN. ENJOY!)


	12. Episode 10, special Christmas ep

A very Potter Sitcom

Season 1, episode 10

Special Christmas Episode

"Polyjuice potion"

TV- 14

For more AVPS fun, go to www. A very potter sitcom. wetpaint. Com

For more Starkid announcements, visit team Starkid. com

Or visit them at their YouTube channel.

Harry's voice: A very Potter Sitcom is filmed in front of a live studio audience and is brought to you and part by

REDVINES; it's like Twizzlers but with an actual taste.

(Theme song)

(Scene begins in Great Hall with an intro music of "We wish you are merry Christmas" with no singing and ending at "and a happy new year")

Dumbledore: Hello there students and MEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRYYYYY CHRISTMAAAAAASSSSS!

Snape: Bah, humbug!  
Dumbledore: No Snape! We can't do a spoof on "A Christmas Carol" this year.

Snape: Well, why not?  
Dumbledore: Because, like three other sitcoms are doing that, AGAIN!

Snape: Well, what about "The Grinch?"

(Dumbledore looks at him)  
Snape: What?  
Dumbledore: Glee.

Snape: Right.

Dumbledore: And so, my gossip loving students! Here is something you'll ALL be interested in! It appears that Santa Claus has had an affair with the tooth fairy, Mrs. Claus has had an affair with the Easter bunny, the Ghosts of Christmas past and the girl version of the present had an affair and left the ghost of Christmas future out, and Mother Earth and Mother Nature thought they were lesbians and then realized they were related and only loved each other like that.

Harry: Uh…where did you hear all that?  
Dumbledore: Hot topic.

McGonagall: Now, this Christmas we want you all to remain tolerant and please be careful with the holiday cheer. Apparently, we've had Jews going to this school for a longer time than the Christians and nobody told us!

Dumbledore: So you can still enjoy saying "Merry Christmas" but also try and say "Happy Hanukah!"

Lockhart: Why Professor, Hanukah is over.

Dumbledore: Then say "Happy Holidays" and shut up Lockhart.

(Lockhart still has stupid grin on his face)

(Hermione walks over to Harry and Ron as everyone else begins talking)

Hermione: Okay guys, would you like to figure out if Malfoy is the heir of Slytherin?  
Harry: Sure!

Ron: But how?  
Hermione quickly: Okay, so I went into the library and I discovered that "Polyjuice Potion" can allow one person to turn into another person if that other person's hair is added to the potion and then mixed with….

(Continues babbling about the ingredients before she is stopped by Ron who yells)

Ron: Alright, ALRIGHT! God, enough is enough. We'll do it!

Hermione smiling: Okay, good! Now come on, we've got to get the hairs from Crabbe and Goyle. I already have mine from Milisin Bolstrode who I picked hairs off of her robes.

Ron: Ew…gross.

(Scene changes to empty entrance hall)

(There are two cupcakes on the floor and the hiding Harry and Ron get ready)

Ron: I'll cast the spell.

(Clears throat like Ron always did in the first two movies and then begins to choke and cough)  
Harry: Whoa, what the hell's wrong?  
Ron: Blech! I just coughed up my dinner. You better cast the spell (wretches and moves over to vomit without us seeing)

Harry: Okay. It's up to me now! Up to me. Up to me. (Takes deep breath) (His wand shakes) Wingardium Leviosa. There, I'm done.

(He hides as Crabbe and Goyle come out)  
(Crabbe gasps at the floating cupcakes as Goyle speaks)  
Goyle: Oooooh. Pretty cupcakes.

(They begin walking towards them with their arms outstretched and their mouths hanging open)  
Harry whispering: Now, when they eat them, they're going to fall asleep but we need to-

(Ron runs at Crabbe and Goyle with frying pan yelling)  
Ron: !

(He slams it over Goyle's head)  
Goyle: Ow.

(Goyle and Crabbe turn and both take out green light sabers)

(Audience cheers)

Ron: Oh s(bleep).

Crabbe: Okay then, let's eat the cupcakes and them send 'em to hell!

Goyle darkly: Yes. Cupcakes.

(They eat them up)

(They freeze and fall over on their backs)  
Goyle while falling: Aw.

Harry: Cool, now crab the hairs.

Ron: Ew, their greasy.

(Snape comes out)  
Snape: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEERRRREEE? HERE?

(They both look at Snape)  
Snape: What the hell?  
Ron running at Snape with pan: AAAAHHHH!  
(Snape takes out red light saber)

Ron: AAAAAHH!

(Pause)  
Ron: Frying pan, now!  
(He throws it at Snape's head)

Snape while falling: Ow.

(Ron looks up fearfully)

Ron: Oh my God….we KILLED SNAPE!  
(Short, tense silence)  
Harry: Okay, cool. Get the hairs.

Commercial break

Commercial: Now on DVD….Jim Carry voices the classical character "Scrooge" in the new 3D Disney adventure "Disney's A Christmas Carol" based on Charles Dickens's best novel.

Also starring Gary Oldman, famous for his part as Sirius Black in "Harry Potter" and Commissioner Gordon in "The Dark Knight"

Now on DVD…."Disney's A Christmas Carol."

(We return to see "Crabbe" and "Goyle" walking in the dungeons. It is really Harry and Ron)

Goyle: Uh….Ron? Do you know where the Slytherin common room is?

Crabbe: I think that it's it over there.

(He points to a brick wall)  
Goyle: No. That is a brick wall.

(Malfoy comes in)  
Malfoy angrily: Crabbe! Goyle! Where in the hell have you two been this evening? Pigging out in the Great Hall I don't doubt!  
Goyle: Well, what were you doing Malfoy?  
(Crabbe winces)

Malfoy gasping over dramatically: ExCUSE ME?

Goyle quickly: Uh, I mean 'master'.

(Malfoy raises an eyebrow)  
Malfoy: Okay. I was just upstairs. Now, let us go through the magic brick wall.

Goyle: Okay.

(He yells and runs toward it, expecting it to let him magically go through just like the wall at King's Cross)  
(He slams into the wall and falls on the floor)  
Goyle: Damn it! Son of a bitch.

(He stands, holding his head)

(Malfoy and "Crabbe" stair at him)  
Goyle: I mean….owie.

Malfoy: You complete idiot. Watch.

(Malfoy walks up to the wall)  
Malfoy: Now, what is the password again?  
Goyle: Ummmm…..ummmmm….ummm….

Malfoy: Cease your meditating and answer the question.

Crabbe: Actually, I think he's actually thinking.

Malfoy laughing: Aha…no he's not, Goyle doesn't think. Don't be a fool. Oh yes, now I remember.

(Straightens up)  
Malfoy importantly: ZEFRAN!  
(Wall slides into the other side and disappears)  
Goyle like Harry: Whoa, cool. *laughs*.

(Malfoy looks at him)  
Goyle: I mean…Oooooh. Cool.

Malfoy: Let's go inside.

(They walk in)

(Camera changes to the Slytherin common room, similar to the Gryffindor common room as it is the same set except with green Christmas decorations and that there is a fancy bar with four Slytherins there and a small figure with a hood serving the drinks)

(One of the Slytherins begins to sway with his beer in his hand)  
Montague drunkenly: I…*hic* am soooooo….f**kin' sick and *hic* tired of all of this bull***t about drinking carefully. I mean….do I really look that drunk after seventeen beers? Huh?  
(Pokes friends on left nipple)  
Montague: Heh?  
(His beer slips out of his hand and breaks on the floor)  
(Montague looks at his beer hand and does a double take)  
Montague starring at his hand: What the hell happened to my beer?  
Slytherin #1 to other boy: There's a guy who can't hold his liquor.

Montague turns angrily: I can SO hold my liquor!  
Slytherin #2 slyly: Evidently not, you just dropped it.

Malfoy: Merry Christmas you lot.

(They all say hello)

Malfoy: Sit.

(Crabbe and Goyle sit across from Malfoy on two separate couches)

Malfoy: So, have you enjoyed the latest episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place?

Goyle and Crabbe: Oh YES!

Malfoy: Indeed. You know, I'm very surprised that the daily profit isn't reporting all of these attacks. Probably DUMBLEDORE trying to hush it all up. Father always said that Dumbledore was the worst thing that every happened to Hogwarts. Probably because daddy was against gays and-

Goyle: You ARE WRONG!

(Malfoy angrily stands)

Malfoy: What? You think that there's someone here who's WORSE than Dumbledore? Huh? Do you?

(Pause)  
Boy next to Montague: I find this HIGHLY entertaining.

Goyle: Um….that student from last year named Charlie Bone?

(Another pause)

Malfoy laughs: Indeed. That was the worst book I've ever read since Twilight. Edward is an ass.

(Goyle and Crabbe nod as the other Slytherins leave except for the one with the hood hiding their face)

Malfoy: You know…I wonder who the heir of Slytherin is. It is most definitely NOT saint POTTER!

Goyle: But…you must have some idea who it is?

Malfoy: You know I don't Goyle. Now, I hope that things go the way they did LAST time the chamber was opened.

Crabbe: It's been opened before?  
Malfoy: Oh yes. Last time…a mudblood died! This time…I hope it's….Hermione Granger, the love of my life!  
(Another pause)  
Malfoy: Merry Christmas boys. I'm going upstairs to wait for when Santa Claus is coming.

(Leaves room)

(Goyle and Crabbe begin to wretch with pain)  
Goyle: Oh God! I think our hour's up!  
Crabbe: The show's only a half hour long.

(Goyle rolls eyes)  
Goyle: I met that we're about to change back into our selves.

(They yell in pain as they leap behind the couch)

Both: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

(They emerge, back to their normal selves)

Harry: S**t, we're back. We're ourselves in the Slytherin common room!  
Ron: I'm enjoying this Christmas, aren't you?

Voice behind counter: Dobby is as well sir.

(The small figure comes out and removes his hood to show a young, adorable child playing Dobby with perfect make up and fake ears)  
(Crowd cheers for a good while as they finally see their favorite Harry Potter character on their favorite Harry Potter spoof)

Harry: Who the hell are you?  
Dobby: I am Dobby the house elf. I am the most insufferable of all the house elves and yet I am everyone's favorite character. I also have a voice like Mickey Mouse, I'm the size of Stewie Griffin, and I am the only one here who actually enjoys moon pies.

(Harry and Ron nod in acknowledgment)

Dobby: I am here to warn you about things that are happening at Hogwarts this year. There is a plot, a plot to make these terrible things become worse. All of the muggle borns are totally f***ing screwed.

(The song "Christmassy horror" begins with a bouncy but creepy sound)

Dobby singing: Oh, I wish that I was the one who was a barer of good news, but all I have to offer is scary but not a boring snooze. I want to bring some happiness, some good Christmassy cheer. But I do not have happiness; all I have is a Christmassy horror this year.

(Song speeds slightly)  
Dobby singing: You do not think that you have to be afraid. But you know a muggle born, for it is all the same. If you don't heed my warning, if you don't listen true…then everyone in all of Hogwarts is completely screwed!

Harry singing: So, tell us please little Dobby; what is it you know?  
Dobby singing: I can't sir, I can't sir!  
Ron singing: Tell us or I'll TIE YOU IN A BOW!

Dobby: Please be careful Wheezy sir, or some trouble you will stir. All I can tell you is you must leave! Life at Hogwarts is all about to go from a cheerful tale to tell, straight down to a fiery Christmas hell!

(Pause)  
Dobby: A Christmassy horror! A bad old Christmas hell! A Christmassy horror! A terrible tale…to….tell.

(Smiles as song ends and crowd claps)  
Dobby: Bye.

(Snaps and blackout)

Commercial break

(We return to see Harry and Ron coming out of the Dungeon areas and into the Entrance Hall with the Great Hall doors open)  
Harry: I can't believe it.

Ron: I know. Is Hermione gonna die?  
Harry: We're gonna protect her. Trust me.

(He puts his hand on Ron's shoulder and light pours in as the sun comes up)

(Soft happy music begins in the song "We wanna merry Christmas" as the other students come in)

All students and teachers except for Harry and Ron singing: Oooooooooooohhhhhhh, . We always have loved Christmas; it is the best time of the year. We love a merry Christmas…..we hold it in our hearts very dear.

(Song speeds up; sounding slightly similar to the song "We need a little Christmas")

All including Ron and Harry singing: Every single day of the wonderful school year, we think about how brilliant it is this finest Christmas dear. We love this Holiday so much; and a holiday is due. The only people who don't love Christmas all that much is our Hogwartian Jews.

(Song speeds up even more)  
All singing: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! We love the holiday to the death! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Its meaning has so much depth! We wanna merry Christmas! We want one oh so bad! We wanna merry Christmas! Now don't you make us mad! We wanna Merry Christmas! I want one for you! We wanna Merry Christmaaaaasss! A holiday…..is….duuuuuuuuueeee!

(Roll and credits)


	13. Episode 11

A Very Potter Sitcom

Episode 11, season one

"A very Animated Adventure"

(TV-14)

(A very Potter Sitcom is brought to you and part by…REDVINES!)

Note: This is the first episode in which I will feature songs from my new song writer who's username is ... You'll love their songs. Here we go!

(The episode begins with us seeing 2D animated Jacob sitting in front on a nice red leather chair in a blank white space)  
(He looks up)  
(The Animation looks exactly like the cartoon drawings of the musical's characters that we see on the posters so often)

Jacob: Why, hello there all you viewers. Well, we're back from our Christmas vacation and it looks like things have gotten a little different. As you can see, I'm a cartoon right now. Let me tell you just what happened. Harry and his two best friends decided to spend Christmas at MY house! And we had a great time! We all got a little drunk, read some inappropriate magazines, made fun of Hermione because she looked like a cat after the Polyjuice potion had some cat hair in it, and then we watched all five seasons of "Sex in the City."

(He looks off stage)  
Jacob: What? Wait a minuet, there's SIX seasons? Well that's not a surprising as the fact that Mel Gibson hasn't been murdered yet! It's coming you Jew hating son of bitch. You know it. Alright, now let me tell you what happened next.*Speeds up speaking* After all those things happened, Hermione magiced herself back to a human and everything was fine! Except for the disastrous consequences of the whole damn world turning into a animated freaken' cartoon land and that in any moment we could all die from the face that the world might collapse because of disrupting the space time continuum or that there's a lot of f***ing pianos falling randomly from the sky. Bye!

(Theme song begins with the animated versions of all the characters dancing and singing)

All singing: Back to Witches and Wizards and magical beasts! Back to Goblins and Ghosts and a magical feast! It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions, and friends! Back to Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and SLYTHERIN! Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts! Hogwarts!  
Dumby: I'm sorry, what's its name?  
Students: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Dumby: I didn't hear you ki-

(Music stops)  
Ron: Then listen for God's sake!

(Pause)  
All singing as music resumes: HOGWARTS! HOGWARTS!

Harry: Holy s**t, we're freaken' back!

(Song ends)

(Short blackout and we come to see an animated Hogwarts in a cartoon Great Hall)

Jacob's voice: You shall not hear any audience laughing today. This is the day when it is but a mere cartoon show that you might watch on Saturday mornings, except that we're on every Wednesday. I will tell you that this show is not for kids. It is not dangerous or full of terror, just one of those crude humor things you might see on Comedy Central. Except that we're not on Comedy Central. We're on TBS.

Dumbledore comes out: Okay, who else is loving being a freaken' cartoon, heh?

(Nobody answers)  
Dumbledore: Fine, whatever.

(Screen goes black and we here the voice of Jacob again)  
Jacob: Now I must take you to a place where you will see why the Chamber of Secrets has opened. Just don't tell the Harry Potter gang, and most certainly don't tell me. *Evil cackling*.

(The dark, sinister sound of the song "Rita's got a plan" begins as we see a small animated room with Rita Skeeta in it with subtitles below that vanish after saying "Back in September")

Rita: Ohh this is it! This is my chance! I have got the key, it's no mystery! I'm about to go down in history! Don't be a paranoid fool; guess who's coming to school! Rita's on her way to solve the mystery of the Chamber! So turn off the Power Rangers and act like a teen and watch this mofo bitch become the greatest witch you've ever seen.

I am his most trusted servant. That's because I'm very observant. And I shall fulfill my master's wishes. No time to do the dishes! I've got a freaken' golly evil plan, for my one and only mannnnnnnnnnn.

Ohh this is it! This is my chance! To become a rising superstar! Don't need a cool car to make me look good! I'm Rita freaken' Skeeta and this is my time to shine! I shall baffle and dazzle and frazzle and snaffle and then all those little warts over at the Hogwarts shall know who is the greatest bloody bitch this world has ever seen!

Ohh this is it! This is my chance! And now let's do a fuuuuunkyyyy yowwwwwwww!

(Breaks out into a funky dance. Yes, I went there.)

(Becomes dark.)

Nowww I know a lot about magic, it's a shame my hair's pretty tragic. But as long as I get paid a lot I'll keep getting you all bothered and hot. I know a lot of things about your heroes that will make your toes curl and I'll keep telling you about it till you're ready to hurl. But I've enough of you filthy mudbloods and traitors, I don't need no debaters, it's boring me soul coz Rita's ready to roll. I'm about to ruin Albus Dummmblleeddooorreeeeeee. My golly, has Rita got a plan!

(Becomes darker.)

I shall step very quietly into Flourish & Blots, and sneak past the Weasly's and begin my grand plot. I'll feed my Dark Lord's diary of past into that blood traitors filthy blasted heart. She will be there to guide us along our way and pretty soon she'll be begin for a say! But I shan't not let her take a swing at the bat! I'm a lot smarter than that!

(Hermione jumps in)

Hermione: You shouldn't sing in places like this, ma'am. My parents say that singings in dirty aired areas are bad for your teeth.

Rita: GET! OUT! *Mutters* filthy mudblood.

Hermione: what was that?

Rita: I called you a FILTHLY FREAKIN MUDBLOOD.

Hermione: no need to shout. Jeez. (Exits)

Rita: Ok, where was I? Oh, yeah!

So let's begin this grand ol' plan, I know that it's better than watching Batman. I can't wait to get into action and see all of Hogwarts' great reaction. I know that I'll go down in history as the greatest bloody bitch to solve the mystery of the Chamber of Secrets! Tuck those kids into the blankets! It's gonna be one hell of a ride! And hey, maybe if I'm lucky they'll let me join the Klu Klux Klan.

Ron: (jumping up.) You've got a better chance of getting laid by a Frenchman!

Rita: !#$%^&*!

Ron: Ok, ok. I'm sorry; I shouldn't be masturbating like that in front of you.

Rita: LEAVE!

Ron: Just trying to help you out!

Rita: AAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Ron: I can take a hint. (Leaves). Not!

Rita: (takes a chill pill). Ohh, this is it! This is my chance! And now let's do a fuuuuunkyyyy yowwwwwwww!

(As she dances darkly, the song ends and the screen goes black again)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see that Hogwarts is still animated and that we are in the Gryffindor common room where the whole teenage gang, but not the Slytherins, are all downstairs except for Ron)  
Hermione: Harry, have you seen Ron this morning?  
Harry: Yeah, I saw him asleep muttering something that sounded like he was having a sex related dream, but other than that…no.

(Ron walks downstairs looking wide awake)  
Ron: Hello there, my fellow Hogwartians.

Jacob: Did you just wake up?  
Ron: No. I've been up for hours.

Harry: Four whole hours?  
Ron: No, I said I've been up FOR hours.

Harry: I've been up for two.

(Ron shakes his head, annoyed)  
Ron slightly irritated: I meant it's been hours since I woke up!  
Jacob: Yeah, four.

(Ron rolls his eyes and sits down on the chair)  
Ron: So, look's like we got ourselves another Quidditch match today. It's against Hufflepuff.

(Pause)  
Cho: What the HELL's a Hufflepuff?

Harry: Nobody knows.

Neville: I think that they're the ones who are humble and very good at finding thin-

Seamus: Silence, Long ass!

(Slaps him across face)  
Neville: Ah, oh no! Bitch slap!  
Dean: Man, I wish that we had gotten to play last semester but no luck! This Chamber o' Secrets s**t is startin' to piss me off!

Lavender: Yeah. I really wish when guys ask me out that they'd stop asking if I was Sure I don't wanna go for Chinese food, just because I'm Asian.

Jacob: So, Lav. You wanna go for Japanese food later?  
(She stairs at him)

Lavender: Really, Jacob? Really?  
Jacob: We could try Tie food?

(Lavender rolls her eyes and goes back to book)

(Harry looks up as we hear a strange voice in the walls)  
Voice: Rip! Tear! Rape! Rape! RAPE! And kill.

Harry: Oh my WIZARD GOD!

Chad: We have a Wizard God?

Hermione: Harry, what's wrong?  
Harry: That voice! That voice! I heard that weird ass voice again!

Distant voice off stage: Hearing voices might mean you have rackspurts.

(Luna Lovegood walks on)

Ron: Oh hey. I'm sure that if the live studio audience was here today, they'd cheer to see you Looney.

Cho's friend who also voices Luna: What are rackspurts?  
Luna: They crawl up your ass and make it difficult to make a big poop.

Ron: Poopy.

Harry: Guys, that voice has been bothering me for like…the whole season. I mean year.

(Hermione stands and gasps)

Hermione: *Gaps* Harry! I've just understood something.

(Silence)  
(Hermione raises her left hand like a superhero)  
Hermione: I've got to go to the library!

(She runs out, imitating a superhero flying)  
Seamus: Why does she have to go to the library?  
Ron: Because that's what Hermione does. When in doubt, go to the library.

Hermione off stage: Jacob, you come too!

(Jacob stands looking irked)  
Jacob: Alright.

(Walks off)

Jacob: But why the f**k do I have to come too?

Dean: Hmm. Must be a muggle born thing.  
Chad looking at watch: Guys! We all gotta get down to the Quidditch stadium.

(He stands up)  
Chad: Okay. Let's go down calmly this ti-

(The excited students trample him as they run out the door)  
Chad on floor: Ow, this is even more painful than acting in Diary of a Wimpy kid.

(Scene changes to Quidditch stadium where we see some Hufflepuffs flying in the air, for practice)

(The Gryffindor team all come out so that they can prepare for the game)

NFL commentator Joe Gibbs: And, it looks like we've got ourselves a really good game tonight folks! GOAAAAAALLLLLLL! Oh wait, nothing's happened yet.

(Animated McGonagall comes out)  
McGonagall through megaphone: This match….has been cancelled as there has been another attack with three students petrified. Don't be afraid children. It's just that there's a Slytherin monster down in the chamber of secrets who's trying to kill all muggle borns. Bye bye!

(Walks off)  
Ron: Aww man! This sucks!

Harry: Ron, calm down.

Ron: No! No, I wanna play Quidditch.

Seamus: And I wanted to hit someone with this damned bat!

(Looks over at Dean)

Seamus: Looks like we're the only ones.

(Raises bat)  
Dean: Yep.

(Hit's Seamus hard in the stomach, causing him to fall to the ground)

(McGonagall comes over with Chad)

McGonagall: I think you two had better come with me and Mr. Chad Kragoff here.

(They turn to leave)

(Scene changes to Hospital wing)  
(They all walk in)  
McGonagall: That is one of the victims.

(We see a tan Ravenclaw girl)  
McGonagall: And that…that is where the other two are.

(Harry, Ron, and Chad all walk up to the bed)  
Harry: Oh my God.

Chad: No.

(Silence)  
Ron: Jacob. Hermione.

(We see the two students on two separate beds both petrified)  
(Sad music plays but not an actual song)

McGonagall solemnly: I'll…I'll leave you three alone then.

(She walks off)  
Harry: Why did this happen?

(Ron looks at Hermione and slowly strokes her hand)

(Silence)  
(Ron begins to sob as he leans over Hermione's petrified body)

(Chad sits on his older brother's bed and starts to cry as well)  
(Harry puts his arm around Chad)  
Harry: It's gonna be alright, Chad. They'll save them. I know it.

(He and Chad leave as the depressing sound of the song "Ron's only love" begins)  
(The lights dim and Ron walks to the center of the Hospital Wing where a spotlight appears on him)  
Ron singing: I- *stops singing* okay, okay, turn the spotlight down a bit. Thank you.

(Resumes singing)

Ron:

If I could I would rewind the time she was petrified  
So I could stop feeling so terrified  
Wish I had a time-turner that'd help me get off my damn backside  
And maybe then I won't be staring so often at my bedside.

(Scene fades into a zoom up of Ron still singing)

Ron singing: What I'd give to hold her in my arms  
Keep her safe and make her feel okay.  
But who knows how long I'd have to keep this charade up  
I just long for the day when she wakes up and I can ask her "Sup?"

This can't be happening!  
This has put a major dampening on my day.  
It was January the second day  
The day that my love went away  
She's gone  
Oh no, Oh no  
My baby's gone  
Oh no, Oh no

It's only day two and I'm feeling so blue  
All I can do is stare at her beautiful face  
Her long hair flowing around her makes her look so true  
And then I begin to up my pace

And then she opens up those amazing brown eyes  
And paralyzes me with that mesmerizing smile  
I feel like I'm gonna pass out and die  
It's like this never happened, I'm still in denial

This can't be happening!  
This has put a major dampening on my day.  
It was January the second day  
The day that my love went away  
She's gone  
Oh no, Oh no  
My baby's gone  
Oh no, Oh no

Harry: *spoken* Ron, please, you've been singing to yourself all day. Please, can we go to Potions now!  
Ron: No, Harry! I've made this Hospital Wing into my home and I'm not leaving until the love of my life wakes up!  
Snape: *pops in* Who's that, Hagrid?  
Madam Promfrey: Oh Mister Weasly, you're pathetic! I can't believe you've pitched a tent in here!  
Ron: *ignores them and continues singing*

Please wake up Hermione and save me from this dreadful, dreadful ordeal.  
You are my everything, don't you know, you make my heart do cartwheels.

Ron crawls into his tent under Hermione's bed.

Draco: *comes into Hospital Wing and shakes Hermione* GET UP YOU MANGY MUDBLOOD, UP! UP! UP!  
Ron: What in the name of Merlin's saggy ass cheeks are you doing?

Malfoy sobbing: I miss her! Alright, I admit it! I bloody MISS HER! GRANGER, WAKE UP!

(Song slows and Ron looks at Hermione as Malfoy runs out)

Ron: Look's like I was always in danger….of falling in love. Falling in love. Falling in looooovvvveeee….. with Hermione…Grangeeeerrrrrrr.

(Song ends as Ron puts his head on Hermione and begins sobbing)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see everyone sitting in the Great Hall as McGonagall enters)  
McGonagall: I'm very sorry about this, everyone. If the culprit is not caught…then it is likely that Hogwarts will be closed.

(Turns to walks away)  
McGonagall: And I'm talking forever.

(Walks off)

Harry: I have to go.

(Scene changes to where Harry is walking through the second floor corridor when he stops to look down at all the toilet water on the floor)  
Harry: Aw, s**t! Moaning Myrtle must have flooded the bathroom again- and I'm talking to myself!

(He walks into the bathroom to see Moaning Myrtle crying)  
Harry annoyed: Oh why are you crying NOW?

Myrtle: Some meany face through a cell phone at me.

Harry: A meany face? Did you see who it was, Myrtle?

Myrtle: No! I was too busy crying.

Harry: Why were you crying?  
(Pause as Myrtle stairs at Harry)  
Myrtle slowly as if Harry is stupid: Because a cell phone fell through me,

(She vanishes as Harry walks over to see a small, ordinary looking cell on the floor)  
(He picks it up)  
Harry: Wow. It's undamaged at all even if it IS all wet.

(Cell beeps loudly and Harry jumps)  
Harry: Ah! Oh. A video was sent. It says…to Harry Potter. *laughing* Holy s**t.

(We see on the screen a video link that Harry clicks on)  
(Before video begins, it says "From Tom Marvolo Riddle" and plays video)  
(Video shows a dark shape who isn't shown but looks like the animated outline of Tom Riddle)  
Tom *voiced by Joe Walker in normal voice*: Give me the monster, Hagrid. It already killed a small girl and the least Hogwarts can do for her parents is make sure the little s**t that killed their daughter is dead.

(We see a young Hagrid)  
Hagrid: It wasn't 'im! 'E wouldn't! 'E never!

Tom raising wand: Stand aside, Hagrid.

Hagrid angry: NO!  
Tom: Stand aside, Hagrid!  
Hagrid: NO!  
Tom in stranger voice, almost like that of Voldemort: STUPIFY!

(A shining, red light hits a box behind Hagrid and a large, 3D animated spider scurries away very fast)

Hagrid: Arogog! No!

(He turns angrily to Tom who's face is still covered in the shadows)  
Hagrid angrier: HAGRID MAD! HAGRID…SMAAASSSHHHHH!

(Video ends and we see Harry looking shocked)  
Harry: Oh my god. Hagrid opened the chamber of secrets!

(Dark music starts and ends)  
Harry: Cool, I wonder what sort of comments there are on this vid.

(He looks)  
Harry reading: 'Lol'. Another says 'OMG, I cannot believe that Hagrid did tat!'. I'll type… *thinks* 'Thumbs up if you got this video on a cell phone that you mysteriously found on the bathroom floor in a magic school'. *Laughs*

(Scene changes to Gryffindor common room where Ron and Harry are alone)  
(Ron looks at phone)  
Ron: Good God. I can't believe it was Hagrid! Great vid though, right?

Harry: We have to talk to him.

Ron: Good idea.

(There is a blinding flash and it vanishes to show that everything is non-animated again)  
Ron: Oh, cool. We're back. Anyway- Oh my Wizard God! Hagrid's the guy who set the monster of Slytherin loose!  
(Harry looks at phone)  
Harry mumbling: Yeah, and it get's worse.

Ron loudly: What?  
Harry mumbling annoyed: A bunch of people thumbed down my comment. Ass***es.

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK!

(Roll and credits)

Written by JacobKragoff.

Music and lyrics by ...

Harry Potter owned by J.K Rowling and Warner Brothers.

"A very Potter Musical" and "A very Potter Sequel" owned by Starkid productions.

"A very Potter Sitcom" owned by JacobKragoff and .

All rights reserved.

EPISODE 12 COMING NEXT WEDNESDAY!


	14. Episode 12

A Very Potter Sitcom

Episode 12, season one

"Daniel P."

(TV-14)

A VERY POTTER SITCOM

ON TBS…VERY FUNNY!  
Malfoy's voice: Previously, on an episode where I had hardly any screen time.

Animated Jacob in clip from last episode: As you can see, I'm a cartoon right now.

(Clip of Hermione and Jacob in hospital wing, petrified)

Harry: Oh my God.

Chad: No.

(Silence)  
Ron: Jacob. Hermione.

(Clip of Harry looking at cell phone where he has just seen the video Riddle forwarded to him of Hagrid being caught)  
Harry in shock: Oh my god. Hagrid opened the chamber of secrets!

(Dark music starts and ends)  
Harry: Cool, I wonder what sort of comments there are on this vid.

(He looks)  
Harry reading: I can't believe Hagrid did that! Lol. *laughs*.

(Clip of Ron and Harry alone in common room, no longer animated)

Ron yelling: Oh my Wizard God! Hagrid's the guy who set the monster of Slytherin loose!  
(Harry looks at phone)  
Harry mumbling: Yeah, and it get's worse.

Ron loudly: What?  
Harry mumbling annoyed: A bunch of people thumbed down my comment.

CONTINUED TODAY….

SORRY FOR THE DELAY….

(Beginning theme) 

(We return to see Harry in his bed, muttering to himself)

Harry scared: No. NO… DON'T SHOW ME THAT MEMORY!

(There is a blinding flash and the audience gasps)

(We see a small room with Harry's parents holding on to a baby)

James: He's coming, Lily. He's coming. (Turns to her) I want you to know…I do NOT read Wizarding Playboy. I was holding it for Sirius and the bastard completely forgot to pick it up.

Lily: James, I love you. I don't care if you don't read Playboy or not.

(Pause)  
Lily: What's wrong with MY boobs?"

James: I don't know. Before we die, let me check.

(The door is blown open and a hooded figure steps in)  
(Audience gasps)  
James: Get away from my family you son of a bitch!

(In fake, comical slow motion, he runs at Voldemort who raises his wand)  
(Voldemort says 'Avada Kadavra' but it sounds more like the way adults speak in Charlie Brown)  
(There is a flash of green light and the old killing curse sound effect from AVPM)

(James falls down)  
Lily: AAAGGHH! James! I don't know if this is a bad time but-

(Pulls out a stick)  
Lily:-here's your wand.

(Audience laughs)

(We go back to see Harry rolling around in his sleep with scared expression)

James's distant voice: Let me check your boobs.

(Harry laughs slightly)  
Harry in sleep: Heh, my dad was awesome.

(Goes back to terrified face and suddenly wakes and screams)

Harry breathing hard: Oh my God. I just saw my parents…die.

(He stands and walks down the stairs)  
(We see him walking into the Gryffindor common room where there is a little boy sitting)  
Harry: Hello? Who are you?  
(The boy looks up)  
(He has similar features to Harry, but without glasses)  
Boy: Hi…Harry.

Harry: Do I know you or something?  
(The boy nods)  
Boy: My name's Daniel. I'm your little brother.

(Silence)  
Harry stunned: That can't be. You're too young. My parents died when I was one.

(Daniel stands)  
Daniel: I'm not from this world. I'm from a place where different people live. People who didn't really get to live. People who are….otherwise.

(The song "Otherwise" begins)

Harry singing:  
The one thing that I've always wanted  
Is to keep from being taunted  
But it's sorta hard when you're stuck with  
Cruel cousins, uncles and aunts.

I'd sit in the cupboard under the stairs  
Away from all the sneers and glares  
I'd wish for a reason to keep on being  
And hope that they would start seeing  
That they give me so much strife  
The story of my life...

Daniel singing:

Even though I have it all  
I still get bored and throw things at the wall  
I've always wondered if something was missing  
I've been kissing, dissing, pissing and hissing  
But something still wasn't right

Both singing:

'Till I found you

Daniel singing:

I always needed someone to be there  
To help me survive and guide me along

Harry singing:

I have to pinch myself to see if it's a dream  
Make sure that it's not a long-time fantasy scene

Daniel singing:

I'll tell you right now, Harry  
This is real

Both singing:

To just imagine  
That this is how it's meant to be  
I know somehow it's true...  
I've found you

Harry singing

This is the way the world is supposed to work  
I imagine a place where there are no jerks  
No Death Eaters or fire-breathing dragons  
Just me and my family...that's just it.

Both singing

Life has gotten better  
This day has finally come  
This is more than what I could've hoped for all along.  
I'm no longer alone  
There's a meaning to life...

I've found you...

(Song ends and they hug)  
(Audience cheers) 

(Commercial break)

(We return to see the two brothers)  
Harry: So you don't exist in my world and I don't in yours?

Daniel while eating Redvine: No, I just said you don't exist in my world so that the song would seem sadder, but now that you think about it, that plot line is kind of a cliché.

Harry: Wow. So you're from an alternate universe where my life would have been different if Mom and Dad hadn't died.

Daniel: Yep. And now, I get to come and show you what life would have been like.

Harry: What do you mean?  
Daniel: I mean that I wanna take you to MY world. Our world.

(Daniel holds out his hand for Harry who smiles and takes it)  
Daniel: Okay. Time to go.

(Another bright light and they appear in a house with another Harry and Daniel running around, chasing each other in a nice looking house)  
(The REAL Harry and Daniel look somewhat transparent)

Harry: Holy crap. It's my house from Godrick's hollow.

Daniel: Yep. And there WE are, acting so foolish. How young we were then.

Harry: Yeah. How long ago was that?  
Daniel: For me? About one week ago.

(Audience laughs)

(Harry's mother comes in)  
Harry: Mom! Daniel got the letter to Hogwarts!  
(He puts his arm around his brother)  
Lily: Oh that's wonderful, boys!

(James comes in wearing a business suit)  
(He looks around the room)  
James: Honey, I'm home.

(There is a knock at the door)  
James, annoyed: Oh God, now I have to walk all the way back!

(He walks out of room)  
Lily: Ignore your father, dears. He's just pissed off because he's having some trouble at work. You know, with Lord Voldemort around and all.

Present Harry, shocked: Wait! Voldemort's still around! I killed him a year ago.  
Present Daniel: You killed Lord Voldemort? Hm, really. Good job. Anyway, he still is alive HERE. Just not in YOUR world.

(James comes back in)  
James: Lils, look who came to visit! It's the Weasly's!

(Mrs. Weasly comes in)  
Mrs. Weasly walks in: HI!

(Audience cheers)

Mrs. Weasly: Now, where did I put all of my children?  
(Looks in bag and that back into hallway)  
Mrs. Weasly: Bill!

(Bill walks in)  
Bill: Yo-yo, Potters!

Mrs. Weasly to Lily: We do this every time I need to see them. It's a thing, you know. Yeah.

(Straightens up)  
Mrs. Weasly: Charlie!

Charlie: Hello, mommy.

Mrs. Weasly: Percy?

(Percy comes in and straightens his nerdy looking glasses)  
Percy: Hello, mother.

Mrs. Weasly: Fred and George!

(They enter)  
Fred: Oh, but I'M Fred.

George: And I'M George.

Mrs. Weasly: Nice try, but I've told you before. You've got your letters on your damn shirts, dumbasses.

(Audience laughs again)  
Mrs. Weasly: RON!

(Building shakes from her screaming)  
(After it is done, she smiles as if it was normal)

(Ron comes in)  
Ron: Mom, where are all of our Redvines?  
Mrs. Weasly: Meh…Fred and George ate them.

(Ron groans and the twins laugh)

Harry: Hey, Ron.

Ron: Hey, man.

(They high five)

Ron: Ready for yearrrrrr…six?

(Present Daniel leaning over to Present Harry)  
Present Daniel: He had to think about that for a second.

Past Harry: Hell yeah, Ron! Let's go. But this time, Danny's coming too!  
(Daniel smiles and runs over)

Mrs. Weasly: It's time to head out! LET'S GOOOOOOO- oh the building's shaking- OOOOO!

(They all run out of the room and the audience cheers)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Harry, Ron, and Daniel entering the Hogwarts area)  
Harry with his arm on Daniel's shoulder: Well, you're at Hogwarts now. I'm gonna go. See ya inside.

Daniel: Okay.

(The same music of "To have a home" stars as Daniel is left alone)

(This newer version is called "My Brand New Home")  
Daniel singing: Home. I've heard the word before. Of course, it's been much more then a thing I've ALWAYS haaaaaddd.

(Scene freezes)  
Present Daniel: I changed the song a little bit.

Present Harry: Yeah, I might sue you.

Present: Oh please, you made a musical of one of the most successful series in the world with an author who likes pressing charges on people who rip her off. Yeah, I'M the one who's gettin' sued.

(Audience laughs again and cheers)

(Scene resumes)  
Daniel singing: But a place…they say 'hey, know your place' but I've never had a place to even know, or a place that I could go to if I needed more than one person…there. (Pause) I'm laughing. It's hard to hide a smile. It has been a while since I have been in a world without a dark glare. A place for us to enjoy. Somewhere the girls and the boys to learn the way magic earns. This must be…my brand knew hoooooommmmeeeee!

(Runs into Great Hall where Harry and Ron are seated next to Hermione, Seamus, Neville, Dean, Jacob, and Chad)

(We see McGonagall holding the sorting hat, ready to place it on a student's head)  
(Daniel walks in)  
Daniel singing: I finally made it. And I'm ready to go. It's finally for me. Just little me. Yes this must be…my brand…new…. HOOOOMMMMMEEEEEE!

Sorting at as he sings: GRYFFINDOR!

(Song ends)  
(Daniel smiles and sits next to Harry who puts his arm around him)  
(Dumbledore walks in)  
Dumby: HEYYY! How is everybody? Good? Good. Now, please let us welcome my good friend the potions dude, yeah you know the rest. Here's Snape.

(Snape moves forward from a wall in a sinister way)  
Snape: Why, hello.

(He comes forward to center stage)  
Snape: Now, I am VERY, very happy to announce that we have restarted the dueling club. Anyone wishing to join will merely write their name on a tiny slip of paper and throw it into the blue flames of that Goblet of Fire that Dumbledore bought off of eBay.

Dumbledore smiling: Mhm. Now, kiddies. I do hope you all enjoy your time here at Hogwarts this year. You better call me Dumbledore, or I'll *makes false, babyish, sad face* expel you. 'Night!

(All of the students begin to talk as the present Harry and Daniel talk to each other)  
Harry: This actually seems pretty nice.  
(He looks around again)  
Harry: Wait a minuet.

(Looks down at Daniel)  
Harry in serious tone: Where's Ginny?

(Daniel stands there)  
Harry: Where's Ginny?  
(Pause)  
Daniel: She was…killed at a summer party. You were there. You survived. But you couldn't save her. You lacked the courage. In my world, you were never treated like a hero who had destroyed the dark lord. You were too scared. I'm sorry.

(Harry stands there in silence)  
Harry: You said this happened about a week ago.

(Dark and dramatic music begins, but for mood, not a song)

Harry: Why did you come to me? Why did you leave your world? What the HELL is actually GOING ON HERE?  
Daniel: IT'S BECAUSE I DIED!

(Another silence)  
Daniel: That's right. We all died. Voldemort killed us all a week into my brand new school year. And you and I didn't see each other after we died. God sent me to you. I don't even know why.

Harry: Show me.

(Daniel nods)  
(Sad 'no hope' music begins and we see everybody in Hogwarts running and screaming)  
(Snape and Dumbledore are struck down by a dark figure in a cloak who runs at a group of Harry, Ron, Hermione, Daniel, Cho, Lavender, Lavender's friend, Dean, Seamus, Neville, and Jacob)

(No audio as they all hold hands)  
(Tears began to fall down their faces as the dark lord raises wand)

(They all close their eyes as a large, green light flashes)

Commercial break

(We return to see Harry sitting back in his bed in his world)  
(He looks around)  
Harry: Daniel?

(Silence)  
(Harry leans his head down and begins to sob) 

(Ending credits but with no music)

NOTE: THIS EPISODE WAS BASED ON A FIC I WROTE ON HERE CALLED "WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN". IF YOU WISH TO READ IT, YOU'LL FIND IT ON MY PAGE. PLEASE REVIEW THIS EPISODE AND THE FIC I HAVE MENIONED.


	15. Episode 13

A Very Potter Sitcom

Episode 13, season one

"The secret revealed- PART ONE"

(TV-14)

IN TRIBUTE AND REMEMBERANCE OF MY WONDERFUL GRANDMOTHER, JOYCE. THE ANNIVERSARY OF HER DEATH WAS YESTERDAY AND THOUGH THIS WASN'T THE COMMEDY SHE ENJOYED OFTEN, I HOPE SHE'D STILL BE PROUD OF MY WRITING.

(We skip beginning theme today but keep the beginning credits on the bottom of the screen for the first couple of minutes)

(We see Harry and Ron sitting in the Gryffindor common room as Ginny sits in the corner, looking terrified at the prospect of what's going on)  
Ron whispering: Harry, with Hermione petrified, how are we gonna figure anything out now?  
Harry also whispering: We need to go and talk to Hagrid. I can't believe he would do it this time, but if he opened the chamber of secrets last time then he'll at least know where the entrance is and that's a really good start.

Ron: Yeah, sounds like it….Redvine?

Harry, disappointed: Sorry, man. But I can't think of any reason to eat a Redvine at this time.

Ron shocked: What? This is the second time you've said that in years. Okay, we gotta fix this. Now, we can't go out in the middle of the night so…

(They look at each other)  
Both: The cloak.

(Scene changes to Malfoy walking into the Hospital wing, carrying flowers as sad music plays in the background)  
(Malfoy sits next to the bed with Hermione in it)  
Malfoy: Hey…Hermione.

(Throws flowers at Jacob's petrified body)  
Malfoy: Here, hold these.

(Looks back at Hermione)  
Malfoy: Granger, I love you. I love you so much. And every single time I look at you, my winkie does a Nazi salute and… and I can't stop thinking about you. You're the love of my life. *Voice cracks as Malfoy begins to cry* I love you so much, Hermione Granger.

(He begins to sob)  
Malfoy: Oh my God, I am such an ass**le!  
(He strokes her hair and the audience 'awes')

Malfoy: Granger…wake up. *Continues crying*

(Next scene begins with the theme music that played during the beginning of "A Very Potter Sequel Act 2" and continues during this scene)

(We see Harry and Ron under the tiny invisibility cloak as Snape walks around the entrance hall, guarding it)  
Snape: I shall not let anyone pass.

(Pulls out long revolutionary war rifle and begins to pace in patrolling fashion)

(Stops in the middle)  
Snape: Nobody will pass!  
(McGonagall comes up behind him)  
McGonagall: Hey, Severus, I need a-

Snape swinging rifle: AAAHH!  
(Hits McGonagall in face and knocks her out cold)  
Snape: Oh…ops.

(Stands in guard form once again)  
Snape, uncertainly: Oh, no, something attacked her. I'll have to guard her because I have no idea what the hell happened.

(Stands still)  
Snape: Nobody shall pass.  
Ron's voice: Hey, Snape.

Snape: Hi.

(Ron and Harry walk out the door)

(Long silence)  
Snape to audience: What? They're going out, they said nothing about that. It's don't let people IN.

(Scene changes to Harry and Ron walking up to Hagrid's hut)

(Harry and Ron walk to door, still under cloak)  
Harry: Let's knock.

(Door opens and they back up)  
(Rita walks out followed by Dumbledore)  
Dumby: Okay…come on out Hagrid.

(Hagrid comes out and audience cheers)

Hagrid whining: Aw, I don't WANNA go to Azkaban! They'll try to rape me…and I'll roll over and crush them with my fat ass! *Begins sobbing* Why can't people f***ing stay away from a giant's ass?

(Rita raises an eyebrow)  
Rita: Uh…yes. Well, anyway, Professor Dumbledore, Hagrid is to be removed from campus along with…you.

(Hagrid looks between Dumbledore and Rita several times, looking appalled)  
Hagrid: But he…how can you…what gives you da right…I...he….me….uhh…I….*Makes face like confused Umbridge* DUUUUUURRRR!

(Rita looks at him over her glasses)  
Rita: Okay. I have right because I was given permission to do this by the author of this show who doesn't even work for Starkid, that's why these episodes are so f**king corny!

Dumbledore: Well…at least he gave Hagrid a job.

(Hagrid nods)  
Hagrid: Great man, author whose name will not be said for fear of being tracked down by the Starkid people and J.K Rowling and getting his ass sued like there's no tomorrow…great man.

Rita: Really? I think he's an ass. I wanted to work for the Starkid executives again. The Lang brothers who are even more talented than the Warner brothers, but NOOO! I had to come and work in a TBS sitcom based on our YouTube musicals while they get to go work on a musical movie that takes place in f**king outer space! Do you think I like it here! I feel like I'm in some crummy fanfic story for Harry Potter on ! Yeah, let's leave the writing to J.K Rowling, why don't we? The guy who writes this sitcom wrote a series about Potter's kids!

Harry under cloak: Wait, what?

Rita: Yeah, the kids he had with that little Weasly girl!

Ron under cloak: Wait, what?

Rita: And his series was God awful! The writer's looking back on it and saying "God, my first couple of stories sucked so much, I'm just gonna go ahead and speak my opinion on them in front of the thousand and a half people who watch this show through the character of Rita Skeeter!" *She looks at camera* And I did not like your series, author. You son of a bitch.

Announcer's voice: TO READ SAID SERIES, GO TO MY HOME PAGE ON HERE AND READ THE FIRST FIC "ALBUS, SCORPIUS, ROSE, AND JACK!" THE REST OF THE STORIES CAN BE FOUND UNDER TITLES SUCH AS "SCORPIUS MALFOY SAGA: BOOK 2, BOOK 3", ETC.

Dumbledore, while looking at sky: M'kay…that was irrelevant and pointless. *Turns to Rita* If the author of this show wishes me to leave for a while, in other words for my character to go on hiatus, than I shall do it.

Hagrid: Oh poopy.

Dumbledore, very calmly: Oh, grow up Hagrid. But know this, Rita…you crazy power driven bitch… help will ALWAYS be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.

Ron under cloak: I need to change my underwear!

Dumbledore: You're on your own, Ron who isn't actually there otherwise he'd be in trouble. Now, let us go Hagrid. Let us leave the show.

(Hagrid walks grumpily with Dumbledore)  
Hagrid: Yeah, he gave me a job as a guest star who just got put on hiatus. Stupid ass.

Rita to audience: Excellent. Things are going…wonderfully. Rita Skeeter out…bitches!

(Rita runs off and audience cheers as we go to commercial break)

Add:

Coming soon, to

From the author who brought you "A very Potter Sitcom", "The Scorpius Malfoy saga", and "Tom Marvolo Riddle, the story"….we bring you

"FBI HOPKERS"

An action fic written as a screenplay

Starring Robert Downey Jr.

Jake Phillips.

And Kelly C.

FBI HOPKERS

Coming March, 9th, 2011. Look up at under author username "JacobKragoff" Story rated R.

(We return to see Harry and Ron taking off the invisibility cloak so that they can walk freely)

Ron: Damn. With Dumbledore gone, the students won't be strangely spoken to in a weird perverted way!

Harry: Yeah and now they've taken Hagrid! God, I am so pissed off!

Ron: Harry, look! Hagrid left a letter.

Harry: Well, I'm just going to suppose it's for me so, let's read!

(Opens letter and reads)  
Harry reading: "Dear Harry," I was right. "-By the time you read this, I will be long gone."

Hagrid in distance: Can I at least make a phone call?

Rita: WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?  
Hagrid: SO HARRY AND RON CAN HEAR!

(Harry goes back to reading)  
Harry reading: "I hope you will at least take care of my cute, little dog, Fang".

(The cabin behind them shakes and the door threatens to burst as we here loud, terrifying barks and the sound of a dog jumping onto the door, however it does not break)  
(Harry and Ron wince at the noise)

Harry reading: "But all you need to do is follow the spiders. Sorry I could not be more specific in this letter in case a Ministry official-," uhh... "Dude, were to find this. If a Ministry *another pause* dude is reading this, please tell Harry to go deep into the forbidden forest and find the giant spiders so that he can discover how to get into *pause* da chamber o' secrets." God Hagrid talks weird.

Ron: Well, a spider's no big deal.

(Looks on ground)  
Ron: Ah! SPIDER!  
(Jumps into Harry's arms in Scooby Dooby Doo fashion and they both topple over onto ground)

Harry in weak, pained voice: Ow…

(Scene changes to McGonagall sitting the teachers' office with Snape and the other teachers)

McGonagall after long silence: Well this sucks.

Snape: Tell me about it. Albus died, came back to life, almost died again after being chased by a crazed up Lady Gaga and her enemy Kesha, and then gets fired by Rita Skeeter, the one whose name always seems to be misspelled to read "Skeeta". What the hell is wrong with this scriptwriter?

Random teacher, played by Howard's girlfriend on "The Big Bang Theory": I can't believe that Hagrid's gone too. Do you think he likes me?

(Snape and McGonagall look at her)  
Snape: He'd accidently kill you during sex, you know.

McGonagall: I wonder where Harry and Ron are. Did anybody know that they were out of their beds?

Snape: Yes, I went there to kiss Potter good night *audience laughs* and to take of fifty points or something and saw he wasn't there. So I had to kiss Longbottom instead. He seemed to think I was his grandmother or something.

(Scene changes)

(Harry and Ron are walking through the forest with their wands lit as Ron chews on Redvines)

(A small dark sound of "Aragog's sinister sing along" starts)  
(The dark music continues to get slightly louder)

(Harry and Ron stop)

Harry: Ron?

Ron scared: Yeah?

Harry: Do you…hear something?

Ron: Yeah. It might be…lions…or tigers…or Angelina Jolie.

Harry: Oh my.

Ron: Yeah.

(Suddenly, they are hoisted in the air by strings and are pulled quickly out of sight from the audience)  
(We see a Redvines bag fall)  
Ron crying and yelling: My Redvines!

(We see the scene change to Harry and Ron still hanging from the spider web string, now in an area that contains man large, black spiders that happen to be puppets)

Harry: Oh, God.

Ron: AHHH! Fake looking spiders! *Covers eyes in fear*

(Aragog crawls out, much larger than the rest of the spiders)

(As music picks up, still sounding dark, Aragog begins to sing)

Aragog singing: How dare you children come into my lair! You better hope that this wasn't a dare! For all you know, this could be your last night on earth. I shall not grant you jokes of great mirth! You're not the first ones to venture in here. If any had survived they would tell you to fear. It's pretty obvious or you would not have come at all. As the spiders begin to creep and crawl! Come, my dear children, let's make a bet, and see how much we can make these children sweat.

Aragog's Children: Yum, yum, tender meat, tender, juicy roasted meat. Crack the bones and rip the head, the fun has only begun before you're dead!

Aragog: Sons and daughters and my dear wife Mosag, I know you are hungry but please do not nag. When I am finished, we all will begin our lovely feast. And be one big hairy beast!

(We see another large spider with a fake looking blonde wig)

Mosag: Hurry up then!

Aragog: These children have crossed our sacred forest. Their friends may think of them as the boldest. Their punishment shall be a great treat for all. Yes, we shall eat, chew, and maul!

Harry shouting high pitched and very quickly: But Hagrid's in trouble! They've arrested him because the monster in the chamber of secrets is back and worse than ever and it's going to kill everybody, yes I said it that fast!

Aragog: They tell us that my dear friend Hagrid is troubled. I am very sorry to have burst your bubble, but I've forbidden to speak of any such beast. I really just want to feast! You expect me to tell you when my children are being taunted?

(The spiders come even closer to Harry and Ron)

Aragog: But God, I love it when two children are haunted! Before I kill and dispose of your bones, I better tell you before you start to moan. Fifty years ago, there was a girl who was murdered. No one stopped to think that I could not hurt her further. She is the reason why I'm living here today. That is why you must be the ones to pay.

Aragog's Children: You must pay before you die. Let us rip them by the eye!

Aragog: Her body was found in a bathroom. It's not as if she was hit over the head with a broom. I was blamed and Hagrid was brought to shame. Even though I didn't even know her f**king name! There is a creature who lurks in Hogwarts castle, a dirty monster who has constantly hassled. Mudbloods and muggles must beware. Even if Hagrid actually cares-

Harry: Just let us go, I'm not even a grown man!

Aragog: But do you really think I give a damn? I'm hungry for flesh, bone, and blood! Not twigs, leaves, and murky mud! I want to get this through! THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE! We'll all have a delectable feast! I am not the COS beast! But I will still end your lives! And if you're allergic, you'll die with hives!

(The spiders leap into air and dance in impressive way)

(Aragog yells in a crazed tone)

Harry: We'll just go, then.

Aragog: Go? I think not...

Harry: But- but-

Aragog: My sons and daughters do not harm Fat Hagrid on my command but I cannot deny them skinny little twits with no meat like old men. So you will be eaten and chewed up to bits….AS WE ENJOY YOUR TERRIFIED FITS! I'm glad you're not skeletal or ragad.

*Pause*  
Aragog: GOODBYE…FRIENDS OF HAGRIIIIIIDDDD!

(Blackout and audience cheers at the scene with the impressive effects)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Starring…

Darren Criss.

Joey Richter.

Joe Moses.

And guest starring Shane Dawson as Aragog.

Announcement: I have a voting poll on my author's page where you vote for which AVPM character can come for season two. Who do YOU wanna see in season two? Perhaps…Umbridge? Vote now! Also,

IF YOU LOVE "A VERY POTTER SITCOM" DON'T FORGET TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS WHO ARE ALSO FANS OF THE MUSICALS ON YOUTUBE. IF YOU'RE EVER COMMENTING ON THE STARKID VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE, SAY THINGS LIKE "HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HEARD OF 'A VERY POTTER SITCOM'" AND TELL THEM WHERE THEY CAN FIND IT. OR JUST GO ON TO GOOGLE AND TYPE IN "A VERY POTTER SITCOM, PILOT EPISODE" AND I THINK IT GIVES YOU A LINK. I'M ALSO MAKING AN ADD FOR YOUTUBE. THE REASON FOR ALL THIS IS, I REALLY WANT THE STARKID PEOPLE AND THE STARKID FANS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS SITCOM. IF YOU COULD ALL DO THAT, I WILL LOVE YOU ALL ETERNALLY AND BE AS LOVABLE AS SHANE DAWSON IS TO HIS FANS. AND NOW, TO END WITH A RIDICULAS SONG THAT YOU SHOULD "NOT!" REALLY FOLLOW

(We see Jacob randomly dancing in front of a white screen)

Jacob singing with no music: Oh, a bag of weed! A bag of weed! Everything's better with a bag of weed! You don't need crack and you don't need speed, 'cause everything's better with a bag of WEED!

WARNING: STAY AWAY FROM WEED, CRACK, COKE, AND ALL DRUGS.


	16. Episode 14

A VERY POTTER SITCOM

Episode 14, season one

"Discovery of the Day"

(TV-14)

A VERY POTTER SITCOM

Harry's voice: Previously on "A very Potter Sitcom"….

(We see several clips summing up last week's episode)

(After clips are finished we are left with the dramatic cliffhanger of Aragog and his children preparing to consume Harry and Ron)

(We see Aragog and his children moving in closer)  
(Ron whimpers out of fear)  
Harry: Oh, God. Oh, God. Please don't kill me! OH! NO!  
Aragog: Shut up! You sound like my wife during sex!

Mosag: Go to hell!

Ron, still upside down: Wow, they have a complicated relationship.

Aragog: You don't know the half of it.

Mosag: Yeah! This guy never lifts a finger.

Aragog: I know this is a corny joke that's used often in Nickelodeon cartoons, so I'll spice it up a bit….We don't have fingers Bitch!  
(The two begin arguing as a rumbling begins)

Harry over yelling: Um, Ron?

Ron, scared: Yeah?  
Harry: What the hell is that noise?  
Ron, yelling: No idea!

(We see the blue car smash through the other wall of webs, crashing straight onto Aragog in mid yelling sentence)

(The spiders are all silent)  
Mosag: Wow. He's dead.

Harry, praying to himself: Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us.

Mosag: Yeah bitch, I am the leader now! HAHAHAHaaaaa! Oh, what a wonderful ending to our anniversary.

Ron: Good God, it's like watching a violent version of "Private Lives".

Mosag: You may go. I'd take the car if I were you. I don't know if you caught on to this but the Forbidden forest isn't exactly a very good neighborhood, ya know.

Harry: Yeah, we were beginning to think that.

(Scene fades to commercial)

(We return to see Harry sitting in bed with Ron snoring in the bed next to him)

Harry: Aragog said something about the girl dying in a bathroom. That rings a bell. What do I know about a dead girl in bathroom? *Thinks for a while as Moaning Myrtle floats in*

Myrtle: Hey, Harry.

Harry, distractedly: Hi.

(Myrtle stops)  
Myrtle, angrily: Oh sure! Ignore me by the most part! All I am is a ghost who just floats through a bunch of f**kin' walls. Nobody notices Moaning f**kin' Myrtle! And then there's people throwing things at me through the damn toilet! Like dead pets, old looking books with suspicious magic in it that's titled Playboy, pot, coke, and other types of drugs, and a for some reason, a mother f**king cell phone! *Silence* *Turns angrily and screams* AAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!  
(Floats out of room)  
(Ron jumps awake)  
Ron: Oh, what? What the hell was that?  
Harry: Just Moaning Myrtle having a nervous breakdown, compiled with an angry outburst that suggests that she ought to seek professional help immediately.

(Long pause)  
Harry: Hey, can you think of anyone who may have died in a bathroom?

(Ron thinks)  
Ron: Is it a ghost who still lives there?  
Myrtle's voice, making Harry and Ron jump: I DON'T LIVE!

Ron: *Long pause* No, not really.

Harry: Yeah. G'night.

Ron: Night.

Myrtles voice, bored: Night.

(Scene fades as audience cheers)

(Scene changes to Harry and Ron both standing in the hospital wing, looking at Hermione and Jacob)

Harry: We wish you were here, guys. We really do. Now I've gone so crazy that I'm talking to both myself AND petrified people who may as well be statues.

Ron: Harry. What's that in her hand?

(Harry looks closer)  
Harry: It's….something in her hand. *Takes it out* It's a piece of paper.

(Stands up and begins to read it as a dark, mysterious theme starts to play)

(Harry's eyes open wider as the song "Discovery of the day" picks up)

Harry singing:

I've just made the greatest discovery of the day

Greater than the day I made Voldemort go away

This little piece of paper that Hermione had in her tiny hand

Holds the answers that Slytherin's Heir needs to know to command.

What's been Petrifying all these poor Muggle-borns

Is a creature so foul you'll wish it had never been born

It lurks all over in the school's pipes

Giving off a smell that is so ripe

The thing that has been terrorizing our whole school

The thing that has been ever so cruel

Is a mythical creature called a Basilisk

A dirty, great serpent who's skin feels so brisk.

It's gotten all over the whole damn school

Not seen by a single soul.  
Pretty damn cool, wouldn't you say? I think I'm on a role.

This says that anyone who looks in its eyes will suffer instant death.

They won't feel a single think, not even the stench of its breath.

Somehow everybody looked in its eyes but somehow they survived.

How did they manage that? How were they only petrified?

Ron: How?

Harry: I've got it all figured out.

Harry singing:  
Mrs. Norris, that little cat, ran through a pool.

Yeah, there was water on the floor that saved her from a fate so cruel.

She saw the reflection of its eyes, and proceeded to suddenly freeze.

As her bitch Flitch came running in, his breath just a wheeze.

Justin Finch-Fletchley believed I was the heir

Maybe he thought it was all just a dare

Not my fault that he's a little freaken' runt

And poor Nearly Headless Nick got the full freaken' brunt

Now Hermione, Jacob, and that Ravenclaw Prefect

Were found with a hand mirror that must've reflected

The monstrous stare of the damn big Basilisk's glare

Good thing Hermione's got so much care

Ron: Then where's the entrance?

Harry: I can't do all the thinking here Ginger!

Harry singing: I've discovered the entrance to the Chamber in the last five seconds

This just proves that I'm so much smarter than you and I'm a force to be reckoned.

On the first floor is an out-of-order girl's bathroom that is haunted by a ghost.

Moaning Myrtle just so happens to be the host.

Ron singing: Harry, that spider told us. So you're not smarter than me! HA!

Looks like we're a team that just has to be!

Both singing: We made the Discovery of The Day! Better than any other one, any other way! We've found a clue that beats the crap outta them all! When it's time to find some stuff with us, you'll have a ball! Discovery of the day! Keeping the bad guys away! Discovery of the day! Keeps that monster at bay! Discovery of the day! Let's go inspect, if we may! Discovery of the day! We work that way!

(Dance part)

Both singing: Let's go pick…if we may! Let's go get…the…DISCOVERY OF THE DAY!

(Song ends, audience cheers)

Ron: Okay. Let's get to the staff room before McGonagall does.

Harry: I was going to suggest that first.

(They run off to the staffroom)

(Final exit beats from the song)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Harry and Ron running into the staffroom)

(Staffroom appears empty)  
Harry, breathing hard: *breath* Okay. *breath* that was a lot of running. Anyway, I don't see any teachers here, man.

Ron, also breathing hard: Yeah, same here, dude. I wonder where they are.

McGonagall on Speaker: All students are to return to their house common rooms at once. Something terrible has happened and I shall now leave you hanging. All teachers are to go to the staffroom at once!

(Harry and Ron look very worried)

Ron: Oh, God. Not another attack! Not now!

Harry: Quickly, let's hear what it's about first.

(Harry climbs into small cabinet)

(Ron crawls in too)  
Ron: Man, let's not jump out and scare the teachers. I'm pretty sure it would be bad for the school if the chamber of secrets was opened and all the teachers died of heart attacks.

(Shuts doors)  
(Dark, worried, apprehensive music plays as all the teachers run in, many of them extra actors)

McGonagall: I received a message on my cell phone. It says that there is another message under the first one on the second floor corridor.

Snape: Well, what did it say?  
McGonagall: It said…it said…The Vampire Diaries is on hiatus until April and there isn't a new Glee this week.

(All teachers gasp dramatically but not falsely and annoyingly as usually seen in spoofs)  
(Snape falls into a chair)

Blonde teacher seen in previous episode: How? How could the network do this to us?

McGonagall: I don't know. But there's something else. A student has been snatched by the monster and taken into the chamber itself!

(The teachers gasp except Snape)  
(Long pause)  
Snape, disappointed: Aw, man!

Blonde teacher: Which kid got taken?  
McGonagall: …..Ginny Weasley-

Ron in cabinet: What?

McGonagall: -needs to go back to her common room.

Ginny in doorway: Oh, okay. I just wanted to find out more about the Glee and Vampire Diaries thing.

(Leaves)  
Ginny's voice: Bye.

McGonagall: The student that has been taken….is Chad Kragoff.

(Lockhart enters)  
Lockhart: So sorry. Dozed off. What did I miss?

(Snape stands)  
Snape: Just the man! Just the very man! A boy has been taken into the chamber of secrets, you're moment has come at last.

Lockhart, still with his never ending smile: I beg your pardon?

Snape, seriously: You must go into the *speaks as if to a retarded person*CHAMBER…OF…SECRETS…AND KILL THE MON-STER! AND THEN SAVE THE SCHOOL MIDGET!

(Long pause in which Lockhart keeps smiling)

Lockhart with same face: I beg your pardon?

McGonagall: Well, that's settled then. We'll leave YOU to deal with the school's boogey man then. After all, you said you knew where the entrance was all along and that you should have been given a free rein the whole time. Well here you go. A free rein at last.

(Long pause in which Lockhart keeps smiling)

Lockhart: I beg your pardon?

(Another pause)  
McGonagall: Did I…stutter?

Lockhart: Uh, no. So, I'll just go to my office and…get ready.

(Walks out)  
Snape: Now we know why he has no wife.

McGonagall: Now, to real business.

(The scene fades and changes to Harry and Ron running through the corridors)  
Harry: Lockhart may be useless but the idiot's gonna try and get into the chamber. At least we can tell him what we know!

Ron, behind: I don't like running!

(The scene switches with no fade to Lockhart packing in his office)

(He is no longer wearing his smile)  
(The door bangs open)

(Lockhart smiles again but still screams as Harry runs in and startles him)  
Harry: Professor!

Lockhart: AH! Oh, hello Mr. Potter.

Harry: Are you going somewhere, Professor?

Lockhart, nervously: Uh, yes. Urgent call. Gotta go. Can't miss it. I am so f**king sorry.

Ron: Oh, yeah? What is it?  
Lockhart: I'm….being interviewed on…..uh….David Letterman?

Harry, sarcastically: Yeah right!

Lockhart: Jay Leno?

Harry: No.

Lockhart: Oprah?

Harry: No.

Lockhart: Well, why is that unrealistic?

Harry, shouting in annoyed voice: Because they're all muggles!

(Audience laughs)

Ron: Yeah and what about Chad?  
Lockhart: Well, I must say. That when I became Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, there was nothing the job description that said-

Harry: You're running away? After all that made up crap you did in your books- oooh, realization.

Lockhart, loosing smile: Exactly! It's made up bullcrap! And what are you gonna do?

(Harry stands there for a moment and then suddenly grabs Lockhart into a head lock)

Lockhart, very fast: Ah! Stop, you are hurting me! Stop, you are hurting me! Stop, you are hurting me! Stop, you are hurting me!

(They take his wand)  
Ron: You're coming with us you coward!

Lockhart: I don't know where the entrance actually is! Oh, I suck!

Harry: You're in luck. We know where it is. Let's go!

(Blackout and we here the Harry Potter epic theme playing as credits begin) 

TO BE CONTINUED!

Don't forget to visit A Very Potter Sitcom. Wetpaint. Com

(No spaces, actually)


	17. EXTRA SONG 1!

"A VERY POTTER SITCOM EXTRA SONG"

PERFORMED BY THE CAST…AND…LADY GAGA!

(Song by author JacobKragoff)

(Music Video begins)  
(The entire cast of AVPS stands in Gaga postures in the Great Hall, all dressed in odd Gaga clothing)  
(Lights flash)  
(The Hogwartians begin to move in weird, snake like dance moves)

(The Gaga song "Hogwartian" begins to play, sounding much like the Lady Gaga song "Alejandro")

(Lady Gaga appears at the head of the crowd, dressed in long purple witches dress and with matching pointed witch hat)

(She takes out wand and long, animated strings of light swirl out as she begins to dance and sing)

Gaga singing: I was a muggle…a long lost loser. A woman who could never get what others had! I soon realized….I was special. A poser who turned out to be so bad!

(We see her in room of requirement)

Gaga singing: I then came here…to this Hogwarts. A place where I could use a magic wand. I discovered…it was better….far better than the disco stick I had wanted for so long! I met a boy there….a wizard too. He loved having some dark adventures to do. He was hottest. And modest. I loved the boy…loved the boy…through and through. He was called…the boy who lived. The one who made Voldemort go away. I become one…of his friends! But he could not keep me at bay!

(We see Gaga chasing Harry, who is shirtless, through the corridors)  
Gaga: I am…aaaaaa…. Hogwartian! A student and a witch! Hogwartian! A magical bitch! Hogwartian! Wizard through and through! I'm the one who could be with you.

(She and the others begin dancing in the Great Hall)

Gaga: I was corned! By that Weasley! She told me that she was his! But I knew that…he was mine now. He had to be the one I kissed! OHHHHHH!

(We see them all dancing outside in the Entrance Hall)  
Gaga: I'm a HOGWARTIAN! The best there is! Hogwartian! I'm all in your biz! Hogwartian! The one to be with you! Hogwartian! I'll love you through and through.

(The rest of the male students appear, shirtless and dance behind her)  
Gaga singing: I don't need these losers. These posers. These guys aren't hot or bad! Potter is the…one I wanna….I wanna be with the boy so bad! You think that she loves you, boy? I'm the one so you rejoice. I can rock the world by choice….I'm HOGWARTIAN! The best one! The gal you'll want so bad! I'm the first one…to truly love you! Don't piss me off! Don't knock me down! Don't make mad! I'll make you drown!

(We see her alone over Harry's bed as he sleeps)  
Gaga: You have beauty…..of the male! The beauty of the one who's tan, not pale! I must have you! I must do….the thing that will make you wanna be with Gaga! With Lady Gaga! Instead of being Weasley's bromance! Have a bad romance! I'll rock your world! Our lips will curl!

(We see her dancing with the cast in the Great Hall once again)  
Gaga: IIIIII….I'm HOGWARTIAN! The best there is! HOGWARTIAN! So, no chizz! HOGWARTIAN! HOGWARTIAN! I'm…Hogwartian…..

(Lights shut off) 

END OF SPECIAL AVPS SONG EXTRA. MORE EXTRAS COMING SOON AS THE FINALE IS COMPLETED IN MAKING….


	18. Announcment edited for mistakes

A VERY POTTER SITCOM, SPECIAL ANNOUNCMENT

Because of Darren Criss's big carrier in movies and on the hit show, Glee, he no longer has time for Starkid and that unfortunately includes "A very Potter Sitcom". But have no fear, we have found a Darren Criss look alike who you may enjoy. Darren Criss has an older brother by the name of Chuck Criss (whom you can look up on Google). And so, starting on the first episode of season two, Harry will now be scripted as Chuck Criss.


	19. Episode 15, season finale!

A VERY POTTER SITCOM

EPISODE 15, SEASON ONE

SEASON FINALE!

"A VERY SECRETIVE CHAMBER"

(TV-PG)

Malfoy's voice: Previously on "A very Potter Sitcom"…

(We see Harry reading a piece of paper)

Harry singing: I've just made the greatest discovery of the day. Greater than the day I made Voldemort go away. This little piece of paper that Hermione had in her tiny hand holds all the answers that Slytherin's heir needs to know to command.

(We see worried teachers talking to McGonagall in the room)

Snape: What did it say?

McGonagall: It said a student has been snatched by the monster and taken into the chamber itself!

Blonde teacher: Which kid got taken?

McGonagall: Chad Kragoff.

(We see Harry and Ron running through the hallway)

Harry: Lockhart may be useless but the idiot's gonna try and get into the chamber. At least we can tell him what we know!

Ron, panting heavily: I don't like running!

(We see Harry and Ron talking to Lockhart)  
Harry: You're running away? After all that made up crap you did in your books- oooh, realization.

Lockhart, loosing smile: Exactly! It's made up bullcrap! And what are you gonna do?

(Harry stands there for a moment and then suddenly grabs Lockhart into a head lock)

Lockhart, very fast: Ah! Stop, you are hurting me! Stop, you are hurting me!

Harry: We know where it is. Let's go!

(Quick blackout and we see Harry, Ron, and Lockhart walking into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom)

Myrtle: Oh, it's you. Come to throw another book at me?  
(Ron stars for a moment and then throws a book at Myrtle)

(Myrtle glares)

Harry: Is the entrance to the chamber of secrets here?

Myrtle: Uh, yeah. Right there at that sink.

(Harry looks at sink)  
Harry: I think I know what to do.

(Looks at sink again)  
(Harry mutters in snake language)

(The sink moves backward, revealing a large hole)

(Everyone stares)  
Lockhart: Holy crap. Well, I'm going to go now.

(Ron punches Lockhart in stomach)  
Lockhart: Oh! You are hurting me.

(Falls into hole)  
Lockhart, distantly: Ahhhhhhh….

(Silence)  
Lockhart: It's really quite unbelievable freezing down here.

Harry: Well, it looks like we're stuck in the biggest of jams.

(Pause)  
Ron: What?

Harry: Never mind. Let's go. One, two, three!

Both: AAAHH!

(They run at hole and hit each other, falling on ground)  
Ron: Oh, I'm sorry Harry.

(Scoots back)  
Ron: Let me just get outta your way- *falls* AAHHHH!

Ron: I landed on Lockhart!

Lockhart: You are hurting me…..

Harry: I'm coming guys! One, two, three!

(Jumps)

Harry: AHHH!...ah!

(Screen changes to dark chamber where Harry falls out of large shoot)

Harry: Dear God, it's really freezing down here. My skin is numbing up.

Ron: I think I landed on Lockhart too hard. He can't even remember who he is, or where he is, or what he is. He thinks he's a muggle.

Lockhart, drunkenly: Hello. Who are you? More importantly, who the hell am I?

Ron: Hard to rely on this one.

Harry: Okay.

(Steps a little away from Ron)

Harry: Come on, man. Let's go. There's nothing blocking our way.

(Large amount of rocks fall in front of Harry)

Harry: Ron! Ron, can you hear me!  
Ron: Yeah! What should I do?  
Harry: Try to shift this rock. Don't use magic. It might cave in. God, it's so cold. Anyway, use your bare hands!

Ron: I can't feel my bare hands!

Harry: I'm gonna go ahead.

(Harry gulps)  
Harry: Well, here I go.

(He starts walking)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Harry walking into a large chamber with a stone statue of Slytherin's head and a small area of water in front of it with Chad lying near it)

Harry: Whoa. It's the secret swimming pool of Hogwarts.

(He sees Chad)

Harry: Chad!  
(Runs to Chad's body and collapses next to it)

Harry: Come back to me Chad!  
Voice: You mean….come back to….RIDDLE!

(Joe Walker steps out from behind a pillar and the audience goes wild with cheering)

Riddle in Joe Walker's real voice: Well, well. If it isn't the famous bastard, Harry…freakin'…Potter.

(Harry stars)  
Riddle: I've wanted to talk to you for a very long time.

Harry: Are you a ghost or something, you look so young.

Riddle, flattered: Oh, thank you. *Straightens up* But, I am not a human, mortal man! I am….*Poses for Umbridge's "WOMAN" yell* a... memory.

Harry: What do you mean?  
(Riddle smiles evilly)

Riddle: 'Means I'm just a version of Tom Riddle, preserved in a Diary for 50 years. And then, that little wimpy boy right there found it and it became a Diary of a Wimpy kid. He told me about how sad he was about his brother treating him poorly along with all of his friends. Soon, I turned the Diary into a cell phone to get him to stop writing….but he texted me. He soon became scared, finally, and who should pick it up, but you? Harry Potter. The person I was most anxious to meet.

Harry, flattered: Oh, ha, are you a fan? I could sign your man boob.

(Riddle raises an eyebrow)  
Riddle, angrily: NO! I'm a dark lord who wants you to just die! *Voice turns into Voldemort voice* I am Lord Voldemort! TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE! Switch the letters around in a few places and it becomes "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!" *Laughs evilly*  
Harry: NO!  
(The dark, sinister, suspenseful theme of "I am Lord Voldemort" begins)

Voldemort: Yep! And I am going to do what my future self started! I am going to kill yooouuuuu!

Voldemort singing: I have risen back from the dead! * Beat x2* Made that little boy loose his tiny head! *Beat x2* I made him open the door to this place! *Beat x2* And now I'm gonna blow you both all over the place!

(Music picks up)

Voldemort singing: I am Lord Voldemort! I am Lord Voldemort! I am the dark lord! I am hard core! I'm gonna throw your body all over the damn street. Pick you up, throw you down! Smash you under my feet! I haven't got anything better to do! All I want is to freaking kill you!

(Tap dances as song picks up and as the audience cheers)

Voldemort singing: How is it that a little boy like you *beat* destroyed me while Dumbledore saw you through? *Beat* I'll be sure to get my revenge! I'm back and better! Back forever! Soon it'll be the end! I am Lord Voldemort! I am Lord Voldemort! I am the dark lord! I am hard core!

(Another dance part)

Voldemort singing: Looks like you're too late to save that little creep!  
(Chad rises into air as smoke pours in, risen by crew members in black suits so they can hardly be seen)  
Voldemort: Now the end will come soon and vengeance will be what I reap! Soon you and your friends are going to die! But for now, it's time for Chad to say bye bye!

*Laughs maniacally*  
Harry: No! Leave him alone! He's just a little kid!

(Voldemort continue laughing as a giant snake rises above them, similar to the special effects to create Aragog)

Harry: Oh my God!  
Voldemort: Better not look in its eyes, Potter! *Continues laughing as music also continues*

Harry: HELP ME!  
(The sword of Gryffindor, as seen in AVPM, falls on Harry's head)  
Harry: OW. *Sees sword and grabs it*  
Harry: Hey, snake! Take this you bastard!  
(Yells and throws the sword, which flies towards the snake, in slow motion)

Voldemort's voice in slow motion: Oh, sh*t.

(Sword falls into snake's mouth and the creature falls back into the pool, dead)

Voldemort: NOOOO!  
(Song ends)

(Chad is still in the air, asleep, and Voldemort grabs him)  
Voldemort: Okay Potter! You won there! But come any closer and I'll KILL this little mudblooded sh*t!  
Harry: You bastard. You just don't get it, do you? You kill innocent people and for what? FOR WHAT?  
Voldemort: For power!  
Harry: Yes, but you don't need violence to get power. Ministers of Magic, Presidents, all of them got power with their worse crimes being some affairs with women. You don't need to kill that kid, Voldy. Why don't you try a little slice of remorse pie, huh? Huh?

Voldemort: Well, I-

(Chad stirs and Voldemort looks down at him)

(Silence)  
Voldemort: I have a little boy in my arms. He's so adorable. So little, pure, and…innocent. *Glairs* I'll let him live.

(He places Chad carefully on the floor)  
Voldemort: But I am back. And I will take over the world. No matter who I have to kill. See you around Potter. Voldemort's back.

(Disappears into the smoke)  
Harry: I'll be ready.

(Commercial break) 

(We return to see Harry standing over Chad who wakes up)  
Chad: Harry? What happened?  
Harry, solemnly: He's back, Chad. Voldemort's back.

(The screen changes to Harry in Dumbledore's office, alone)  
Dumbledore: Well, I suppose you should be rewarded, Harry. You went through something terrible and there's more to come.  
Harry: It's just…..how many times do I have to kill him?  
Dumbledore: Clearly more than once.

(Harry nods)

(Suddenly, the door to Dumbledore's office flies open and Rita Skeeter walks in)

Skeeter: Well, if it isn't old Dumby back.

Dumbledore: It is and this time I'm here to stay. Ms. Rita, I know of what you did by sneaking the Diary into that wimpy kid's cauldron at Diagon alley. *Picks up a copy of Diary of a Wimpy kid* Although, I have been reading another copy. It is very good. *Audience laughs* Well, except for the damn creepy messages sent by Tom here, but uh…I think I'll just let you off with a warning.

Harry: What? A warning? But-she-

Dumbledore: Harry, Harry! You'll understand when you're older about how to choose between what is right…and what is easy. *Audience claps* Oh, yeah. That's my catch phrase now.

Rita: Well, Potter. The twelve year old Titan will always be around to save the day, won't he?  
Harry: Yeah…I will. *Annoyed* And I'm thirteen, bitch.

Rita: Fine, whatever. It's of no concern to me. I'm going to go write a VERY long article about how HP saved the day and how this entire thing is Dumbledore's fault. *Giggles* I am a bitch. Rita Skeeter out!

(Turns to run away, but trips on long cord across the room and falls over)  
Rita: Agh!

(Dobby comes out from behind wall and smiles)  
Dobby: If anyone messes with Harry Potter….they mess with Dobby too. And trust Dobby….you don't want to mess with Dobby the free elf!

(Audience cheers)

Harry and Dumbledore: Holy s**t!

Dobby, leaning against wall coolly: Yep…holy freaken' s**t.

Harry: Wow, thanks Dobby. You really are a great guy.

Dobby: Thank you, Harry Potter. Now, I must go and visit someone who deserves to truly meet me…as a family member.

(Dobby exits)  
Dumbledore, putting one arm around Harry: Come on, Potter. Let's hop on the good foot, head on down to the feast, and eat!  
Harry: Yeah, what DOES hop on the good foot mean?  
Dumbledore, laughing slightly: I have no idea.

(Seen changes to Malfoy standing in Slytherin common room)  
Malfoy: Well….I think I have decided I like this place. It's not….too bad. Pigfarts is of course better but I suppose that I can settle for an Earth bound school….for now. Until rockets are available.

Dobby's voice: Draco?

(Dobby walks on)  
(Malfoy turns around as beautiful, happy music plays)  
Dobby, arms reached out: MY SON!  
Malfoy: Dobby?  
(Dobby nods)  
Malfoy, running with joy to Dobby: DADDY!

(The embrace with love and happiness)

Dobby: Oh, my son. How I've missed you so. Oh…f**k Lucius Malfoy.

Malfoy: I love you Daddy! Don't ever, ever leave me!  
Dobby: No. We are going to be together for a long time. I love you, my son.

Malfoy: No…I love you more!  
Dobby: No, I love you more!  
Malfoy: No, I love you more!  
Dobby: No, I love you more!

(Scene dissolves)

(We see Harry and Dumbledore walk into the Great Hall where everyone is standing)  
(Hermione sees Harry and runs toward him, hugging him)  
Hermione: You solved it! Oh, Harry. Even if Voldemort is back again, we can defeat him.

Ron: I know we can. And you can count on us to be there by your side.

Harry: Oh cool.

(Jacob runs to Chad)  
Jacob: CHAD!  
(They embrace)  
McGonagall: Another happy ending.

Snape: Oh, yes. Indeed. Look over there. That's the happiest part of them all.

(We see Lockhart hanging with a rope around his neck, a large smile still on his face)  
Snape: He thought it would be fun to try and see what would happen. God, you think he was stupid before he lost his memory!  
(They laugh)  
(The cheerful ending sound of the song "Finally done" begins)

Harry singing: It's been so long, but now we are done. Done with Hogwarts adventure and Hogwartian fun! I'll see you all next year and that's a rap! Time to go back to a summer of crap! *He says crap but is still smiling widely*  
Ron singing: Voldy may be back this time! But we'll tear him down! And that is fine!  
Hermione singing: Even if the devil comes to his aid-

*Song picks up*  
Jacob singing: We'll kick his ass! 'Cause we've got it made! He's going down and that is-

Everyone singing: TOTALLY AWESOME!

(They all begin to dance and sing more)  
All singing: We'll see you next year! Hope you had fun! What is done is totally done. We'll hope for better next year! But it doesn't matter 'cause Hogwarts is what we hold dear!  
(Dance part)  
Snape angrily while dancing: I hate this!  
Dumbledore: Oh, Severus! We're gonna fight a dark lord soon! Let loose a little!  
Snape: Maybe we'll die again this time.

All singing: We can't wait to get back! For these days everything is either blue or it's black! We don't care; it's Hogwarts we hold dear! We can't wait for another kick ass Hogwartian year!

Ron singing: And that is-

Hermione: Yes that is-

Harry: Yeah, that is…..

All singing: TOTALLY…TOTALLY…TOTALLY…AWESOOOOOMMMMMEEEE!

(Blackout and audience cheers)

(Roll and credits)

…..

Produced by YouTube productions, Starkid, and Warner Brothers.

ADVERTISMENT: STARTING JUNE 15TH, SEASON TWO OF THE POPULAR YOUTUBE SHOW "THE POTIONS MASTERS CORNER" WILL BE PUT UP ON AS OUR SUMMER SHOW. SNAPE'S SPIN OFF, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, CONSISTS OF THE PROFESSOR INTERVIEWING SEVERAL PEOPLE IN A VERY COMICALLY WAY. BEFORE YOU READ THAT STORY, PLEASE WATCH SEASON ONE OF "THE POTIONS MASTERS CORNER" AT YOUTUBE. THANK YOU FOR VIEWING "A VERY POTTER SITCOM" AND WE'LL SEE YOU September 1ST, 2011 FOR THE START OF SEASON TWO. Bye!


	20. Potion Master's Corner arrives, YAY!

FINAL ANNOUNCMENT:

SNAPE'S SPIN OFF SERIES, "THE POTION MASTER'S CORNER" IS NOW AVAILABLE TO READ. I WILL BE POSTING MORE EPISODES AS THE SUMMER CONTINUES. THANK YOU, LOVE YOU GUYS! HOPE YOU ENJOY IT! BYE!


	21. SEASON TWO UP!

For anyone who hasn't noticed yet, season two is up! PLEASE COME, READ, ENJOY, AND REVIEW!


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